Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot
Sunday, November 8, 2009
We had another blow on the
first night of November last night of October. I wouldn’t be sure if it’s related but surely, I wasn’t the same after that.
I believe it was your first time seeing me cried this emotionally. What you saw previously was nothing compared to that night. Did I frighten you? Be at ease. At least you were by my side that night, you shared my pain. Crying alone was worse.
People might think that you are the faulty one every time I cry. The truth is I am the loser who cannot take the pain and started crying.
I couldn’t remember to what we did that night. Why did we broke into argument? Honestly speaking I could not remember a single shit. I tried hard to recall but… to no avail.
My life was dull over the week. There is no up, there is no down. I cannot express, ‘coz I do not know what to think. For the past 7 days my mind was blank. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I can’t like. I can’t hate. I can’t lift my muscle to smile. I am not at all happy or sad. Worse, sex and 林宇中 do not arouse me anymore. Either my mind is emptied I can’t think of anything, or my mind is too congested that I fail to think. I am confused.
At any rate, I could not find the inspiration to turn myself normal. Who is 林宇中? Who are they? Who are you? Who am I? No longer a mirror reflects my image. This entry is what you can expect from me who cannot think at all. I am dirtying my own blog with parts of my lost memories. I look awful down in the pile of mud. I’ve lost my style. In the extreme, I am lost in my own world. Weird, huh?
I thought watching Bleach can heal me. I also thought that by listening 林宇中 from close range, I can actually regain myself. I thought changing my blog template can refresh my mind. But I never thought not only had those failed to cure me, they did not at all attract my attention. Slowly I felt the negative elements surrounding me. Fatigue. Cold. And bored.
Is it possible that Jino did not buy 林宇中’s new album? Do you believe Jino stops watching 林宇中’s drama? Why is Jino not looking forward to attend 林宇中’s little concert in Genting? Jino is not supporting 林宇中? How is that possible?
Simple to say, he is not Jino. He became someone. Someone who is not him.
Well? What now? Has that night really changed me? Is it true I cannot return to myself when I cannot remember anything? Does it indicate that I need to recall everything in order to see myself? So you’re saying that I need to go through all the troubles to find out the problems that clouded me? It’s funny to think that I need to walk the opposite way when everyone is trying to forget their problems. Or can I not face the truth that our relationship has problem and I am in denial?
I have not confirmed what changes me. Am I tired of our relationship? Or am I sick of my unprogressive FYP? I don’t know. I only know that I am not the same and you don’t like it. I don’t like myself either. Whether the change is significant or not is not up to me to decide. Has the night taken me so backward? I will wait for your return and find a solution to my zombie-like life. I hate myself dragging my life like this.
I cannot continue writing as everything is so random I cannot piece them together at the moment. At times, I rather become emo than emotionless I am currently facing. It sucks. I am tired. Very, very, very tired.
[Jino] – A man’s not a man unless he knows how to shoot
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
One of the reasons why I love internet so much is because it keeps me occupied all the time I want.
Every now and then I am haunted when I idle. Many a times when I thirst to online, the emptiness builds in me often screws. Negatively my mind is dreaded to the unsightful side of me. The sorrows I hide deeply can no longer kept hidden. Looking at my own pathetic look kills my own appetite. While others have at least a punching bag, I hate to not have other ways to express myself besides here.
Before I had my baby no. 1 aka this computer and Streamyx settled in my house (before 2005), there's a habit of writing my emotions and feelings on strips of paper and collecting them in a large envelop. If it isn't mum who found the envelop in the stash of old cupboard, I would never notice its existence anymore.
I break into smiles when I read the strips, not because there are funny stories or embarrassing moments printed on them. I laugh at my innocence, probably nuisance when I was young. On how my brother framed me on the broken vase. On the sounding sessions in FKL Scouts. On my depression when I scored only 60% for my History paper in Form 3. I hate to recall myself being this childish in my teenager years but those were not something I can forget easily.
Of the 287 strips, there is a common problem I always grunt about. It's regarding my financial status. In Form 1 and 2, my pocket money was RM 30 a month. Back then, yumcha and movies were not popular as currently they are. My student life was pretty flat. I barely used a single cent in school, so I saved a lot in my Dragonball bank during the years. The unrest began when I reached Form 3. There was an increase to RM 100 a month because I need to stay back for scouts. At this stage I found myself rather hard to survive. Under influence of Starcraft and Warcraft with Mok and his gangs, RM 100 was not enough for daily cyber cafes. To think that I skipped my meals for games, obviously I was addicted.
"8th August (2004) - My pocket money left RM 30. Overnight in Ezone for 2 nights cost me RM 30. I can only go Ezone 1 more time" - one of the strips. You can clearly see where all my money went to.
I never imagine myself spending so much time and money for games. I hardly eat and drink just to satisfy my lust for Ragnarok coupons and bot my High Wizard. I became so poor that I was grateful with just plain rice and curry for RM 1 at Petaling Street before my tuition. I can't believe I was that crazy. Only if I was a bit more impervious.
The grievances I am airing may sound ridiculous. Despite the economic turmoils, my pocket money remains the same. Entertainment has been growing vastly. Unlike 8 years ago we have have Midvalley, GSC, bowling, cafes and sex (oops) ahead of us. With the currency value plummeting, there were times I asked for increment but was never bothered by my parents. I am close to fit the definition of financial crisis.
Don't mock me wei. RM 100 a weak is it?
Why would I do that? It's RM 100 a month.
WTF? What are you going to eat?
Generally I have RM 3 to spend a day. I had McD yesterday with you so I will have 'north-west wind' for today.
WTF? Why so kelian?
That's the life I'm going through.
That's just a part of my lies. The real story should be:
Generally I have RM 100 a month, about RM 3 a day. But if I deduct my Streamyx and Digi bills which mounts to RM 92.50, I have only RM 7.50 to survive on in a month. Practically I don't even have sufficient income to feed on cucumbers everyday.
Have you sit down and think of what to have for lunch with only 10 cents in wallet?
"Drink more water till my bladder burst" is all I can think of.
Have you hold your growling belly and say thousand times "I am not hungry"?
I always do.
Have you been in situation where you can only afford to watch them on table pool because you are short of 3 bucks?
"Ceh the game's boring" is all I can say.
"Tomorrow Chiau Thong is chasing me again for class fund. What am I gonna do?"
I need more money.
I have given you just good to eat but you spend them on non essentials such as internet and phone.
My mum said that. Do you see the difficulties to plea for an increment? There is no resist in her offer, so to avoid further constraint. Never mind her. Be happy with what you have and think hard how to live. Trying hard to be positive here.
Hei. That friend hor, she did some rebonding and colouring. Cost her RM 700++
*I vomit electric
There's sales in Padini, so I buy 2 shirts at RM 99.
Woah, great. *Looking at my RM 15 CNY shirt from Carrefour
Don't step on my shoes! It's RM 200!!!
Sorry my RM 49.90 after 50% discount shoes does not know the price.
Buy shoes again? You have 2 pairs already.
The old one was broken.
But it wasn't 3 months yet.
So? I walk a lot.
Don't you think you should save up and stop buying so much?
This is a pair of good shoes!
Mum may I have RM 20 to buy 3 pairs of socks?
Why? There're RM 10 for 5 pairs at pasar malam.
Fine I don't need you.
These pens and notepad are RM 7 altogether. Can I claim from you?
I will deduct from your debt.
I want to buy some shirts.
It's not CNY yet.
I just feel like it.
I want a platinum ring.
Go buy it yourself.
Aren't you giving me one?
You have to wait till next month if you are accepting a stainless steel ring.
I don't care. I am buying.
Let's watch Meatballs.
I have no money.
I don't care.
Then watch yourself.
OK. FINE! I AM WATCHING WITH OTHERS!
What happen to our plan to save RM 50 every month?
I don't have money to save.
Do you know that saving is very important? Bla bla bla...
I know but I don't have anything to save.
You really don't understand the importance of saving.
*Pissed off and super argument
Shit, we lost our direction and now we're trapped in the jam. Petrol's running low too.
Good. I can see you longer.
I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR PETROL, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASTE IT THIS WAY!
*Super duper argument
Testing... testing... Trying MMS with my new phone.
Sorry bro I sold my phone. Now I am using Nokia 1600, the cheapest phone in market without MMS.
Why do you take 7 copies of theSun?
For old newspaper. My side income.
Why do you always drink ais kosong?
It's my favourite drink. I love the tasteless taste.
I hope you are right.
How much angpao did aunty from Thai gave you?
Too much. Give me that. We have to return the same to her son.
My school pants are tearing and loosening. Are we getting a new one?
You only have 2 more years to go. Bear with it.
I am 29" but the pants is 32" already.
Believe it or not, these are what I always have in mind, just to name a few. I withdraw my coins from Dragonball bank in desperation, risk some laughs and teases by friends. Imagine paying RM 6.25 McD with 63 10 cents coins. Or paying a tube of lubricant and a box of condom with 118 10 cents coins? I would as well like to avoid this but it's my desperate time for money. They didn't understand my situation, and I am fine with it. It's only fair to blame myself for being useless. All I ask is to stop sharing shreds of sympathy. I don't need sympathy. And don't laugh! Dragonball bank is my last resort. The last coin was spent on Genting trip last month already. Isn't it easy to predict my condition is equally bad as someone left in desert; vulnerable and soon to die.
Either way, I never blame my parents for the tough luck on pocket money as I fully aware the differences in my background with others. The weight of one cannot compare to that of the family. That is also the reason why I washed me hands off the issue. In another words, I am trained not to waste. Every cent counts. It is this that I believe I will grow stronger.
Sadly, I fell lonely and empty whenever I am financially burdened. I do not want to spend my entertainment on my parents money. Or any other's money. Should my life is coloured by other means, I can never see my self-satisfaction fulfilled. To escape the jealousy when looking at other people, it is done by my hands, my own effort.
Now do you understand why I wanted to work so badly?
Do you learn to why I claim RM 100 when the parking is only RM 50?
Do you now know why all your birthday, anniversary and Valentines presents are made out of worthless reusable materials?
Do you now understand why I always reject yumcha and movies and karaoke?
Do you now forgive me for 'stealing' my PTPTN for Langkawi?
Do you comprehend my kiamsiapness and calculative-like-aunty attitude?
It's not my intention to hit you with tantrums. There's no issue here. I plainly write out before I completely lose this piece of memory. If you are wondering the capricious me, all because I am too idle at home without internet.
There's no telling what could happen next with only RM 2 in my wallet for 27 days. And my desire for 林宇中's new album on coming Saturday. Every fun comes with a price. That's the least I learn in my family. Maybe free meal with in-laws tomorrow?
p/s: I still hutang my mum RM 306. She is deducting RM 20 every month from my pocket money.
Sorry for another boring post.
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot