Hiatus

Lately I have been melancholic.

For almost a year I have disappeared, I am now writing again. And the first sentence is my negative feeling. Finally, a proper post written in Sydney. There're just too many writer blocks in KL. I find myself suffering time deficiency.

This post is merely an update of my life since my disappearance. If there is anyone who is interested to know more please let me know.

1) jino.ultraman.blogspot.com

There are many pictures from this blog were not found. I deleted one of my Picasa albums. Trust me, it was unintentional. While I have all pictures safely stored in my hard disk, I simply do not have the leisure to upload them again. Locating the right pictures for the right posts is a task too delicate for me who has poor folder management.

2) #1state1month2016

It was rather stressful to work without play. 5 days of full time and 2 days of part time were very difficult for me. The idea was to ensure I had enough rest every month. After every trip, I anticipated my next trip in 30 days! Seriously, every one in office was extremely envious of my travel plan.

Originally a travel plan for myself, I made it more inclusive ever since Kizzai had entered into my life. Little did I know many moons later we could not agree to the travel dates. I would not want to take leaves on weekend and find replacement for my part time job. He on the other hand would not skip classes on weekdays to risk his popularity among members in the gym.

Eventually, we gave in and compromised to bitter tears and thunderous yells. We managed to cross 12 states in 2016, calling #1state1month2016 a success. Pictures will be shared soon. Just click on the correct label.

• January : Penang
• February : Malacca
• March : Kota Kinabalu , Sabah
• April : Kota Bahru , Kelantan
• May : Kuching , Sarawak
• June : Seremban and Port Dickson , Negeri Sembilan
• July : Redang Island , Terengganu
• August : Perlis and Penang
• September : National Park, Pahang
• October : Langkawi Island , Kedah
• November : Ipoh , Perak
• December : Johor Bahru, Johor and Singapore

3) A rose every month

Money can be better spent elsewhere, but a sweet rose once a month didn't hurt as much as we thought. Guys love flowers as much as girls do. To watch him smile was enough incentive.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Why do I choose to stay?

People make mistakes. I agree.

No one is perfect. Neither do I.

What I do is simply thinking of every good thing you have done for me. You have done a mistake but that is not going to discredit yourself. Not yet. The conscious recurring of similar, is.

I am not as forgiving as you thought. I expect changes in you. And I appreciate if you show appreciation in the relationship.

Do not be ashamed. Do not feel guilty. I never ask you to be perfect anyway haha.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Third month

Dear Kizzai

I am never the perfect lover in the world.

I love garlic and onion.
I love durian.
I am still close to my ex.
I am not good in explaining.
I fall asleep very quickly.
I start to snore.
I bite fingernails.
I complain a lot on bad food.
I hate medicine.
I am always busy and tired.

To accept is not the same as to tolerate.

Though you have not accepted my flaws entirely, I must be grateful you are tolerating me.

Before I forget, it's best to write this down. We had a night of rough ride in Genting, thanks to the complimentary night stay. Then we celebrated Independence Day in Sunway GSC. Not a fancy celebration with you but I enjoy spending time with you.

Thank you dear. Happy 3 months.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Throwback Genting

我有什么优点?

You have asked me the same question from time to time.

Your attention. You pay attention pf my actions and behaviour. So detailed I can hardly believe it.

Really? I did that? Sorry I don't realise.

Your time. Despite our tight schedules, you make arrangement to ensure we have enough time together.

Thank you.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Birthday

It is obvious we do not have an entire day to celebrate your birthday. Our tight schedules do not allow us to do so.

Let's celebrate your birthday in Seremban.
That is a place you want to go. Not me.

Guilt.

Disappointment.

The 2 closest people to me do not support me as much as my friends and colleagues.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Second month

My shift is at 5 a.m. and I am gonna post a quick update before I get my much needed sleep. At this rate, my writing is out of touch. Pictures are quickly replacing words.

In summary, we have been together for 2 months. 30% of the time were misfortune. We have to work out a lot on trust issue. He suspects that I am plotting some schemes to make him fat. You see, to be in love is to get fat together. Hey, I am gaining weight too.

Dear Kizzai,

Have faith in me.

White rose as symbolises purity. Then the sacred ritual.

Mikey's New York Pizza before love movie Me Before You.

The Shack in Bandar Putri, Puchong. Free refillable rice and drinks.

Bugalgi and Salsal in Kyochon, Sunway. Baked cheese rice in Wong Kok.

 Tea time in Whup Whup, PJ. Salted egg yolk waffle as night dessert in Inside Scoop.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

First month

We have various differences yet we choose to stay. As positive as HIV, I choose to believe. Believe that our feelings are mutual. Believe that we are committed in this relationship. Believe your promises. Believe your beliefs.

Time slips through our fingers like grains of sand. A month has passed. I have never shed tears in any early stage of relationship. You made me tear up a lot in one month, you know?

Despite knowing for 10 years, we don't know much about each other. Nevertheless, I hold on. For once in my life, I google up "gay marriage in New Zealand", and that is because of you.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

The night

After a long and tiring 9 hours at work, the clock finally strikes 7! Yay! We had bad night yesterday so I gonna make up for what we had tonight. The two of us have dinner and desserts together... chat for hours... Quality time, together.

Nah... the night turns to a drinking session with your friends.

No proper plan. We do not set the right expectation for the night. In the end, we speak less than 10 sentences.

The desserts turn to breakfast the next morning. Disappointing but that doesn't change my love.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Trust

Dear Kizzai,

You may had bad experience in the past about trust. I have never questioned you about your past, for the past is already history. 

If you haven't known, I invest 100% of my trust in you. 100% confidence in this relationship. So give me some credit.

I'm crazy when I am in love.

Thank you for the movies. Thank you for the meals. Thank you for Genting.

[Jino] - Opposite attracts but it is common that unites

A bad night

Dear Kizzai,

Most of the time, all I need is someone to say,

"Hey Jino. You did well. Those shit will not matter."

Every one sees me enjoying my food and movie. Presumably I am ok and well. Quite the contrary in reality. No one ever asks if I am. Many times, not the even closest one asks (or bothered to ask).

You've had a long day in Thailand.

You feel tired.

Can't blame you, can I?

While I tried hard not to ruin your trip with my emotions, your words worsened my day instead. The cold treatment that followed - kills.

I didn't manage to complete the movie. I went to a place with better connection, hoping you would reply. My cheeks were wet. 

What have I gotten myself into?

"Hey dear. How's your day today?"

"Hang in there. I'll be back in a snap."

"Nice to know you have friends while I am not around."

I don't need much from you. Words and actions are enough. If you wanna say "ENJOY", say it from your heart. Please.

I do random things in unexpected times. I would have gone for a trip the next day without planning. You might notice I check in in cinemas and cafes and restaurants. Never assume I have fun all the time. Please forgive the way I lead my life. Pardon my selfishness for the misbehave last night. Positively, only through thick and thin, through conversation and food can we grow closer.

Thank you dear.

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Dating

One of the pretty colleagues asked yesterday;

Jino. I notice you are different recently. 

Shit. Sorry I use a cheap toothpaste and now I smell bad.

No! Not that.

I drink too much water that my face looks rounder?

NO!!! I notice that you have lunch every day.

Describe please.

You have a habit to eat on your workstation for lunch. Either you spend your lunch time in the banks or you take quick nap. Yea you hardly have your lunch break.

I notice for the past 2 weeks, at least 2 weeks, you were away every day for lunch.

Err like that also you noticed?

Don't deny, Jino. Are you in relationship?

It's not official, but he calls this dating.

_________________________________________________________________________________

What am I to you?

You don't want to rush to relationship. We are not just friends. So we are more than friends?

I am merely more than friends? !@#$%^&*() 

Trust me, he got so disappointed with my answer. I thought dating is equal to relationship. Can't be helped, can I? Just have to go along with his definition.

On another note, I noticed that there are several readers out there who had been reading this page more often than not. To the readers whom I will not name, thanks for dropping by and making contact. Sorry for procrastinating in the posts, I hadn't had the leisure time after CNY. Shall keep you posted.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Positive

A curse. A misfortune. That is how most people perceive when one is contracted and tested positive. If I learned that I am positive, I would feel scared, sad or even angry. It's going to be one of the most difficult news to go through in life. The stigma messes our thoughts more often than not.

Relationship isn't easy when positive. It requires honesty, communication, a profound commitment to the relationship. Not to mention a solid and mutual understanding of what they’re committing to.

I met this couple who had been together for 4 years. Yes they are positive. They talked about how they met and got together. The trips they went together. They left home after being disowned. They now own a house in KL. They work together to achieve their dream - go for more vacations. I can imagine the difficult times to be discriminated. But they shook their heads.

"We face the difficulties together" they said while holding the hands.

They made me believe in relationship once again. I learn to see things from the positive end (positive thinking). HIV is no longer a deadly disease. To me, HIV is the medium to build courage to believe. Believe that life is more beautiful when I am in acceptance. Subconsciously I become more forgiving. There is no need to remain denial. My confidence becomes the beauty I lack of. World is more beautiful this way. And most importantly, live a life you will remember.

p/s : I am still HIV- the last I checked in November 2015. - added on 17th February 2016.

Happy Chinese New Year.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close the curtain of 2015

Let's take a break from Project 55.5.

One day you'll leave this world behind

So live a life you will remember.

Go venture far beyond these shores

Don't forsake this life of yours.

It's amazing how a song which did not mean anything originally, has now been hummed continuously. And then from whisper I begin to sing aloud. Alone. With confidence. 'Coz his favourite song has now become mine too.

The feeling starts with pure admiration. He's the person I wanna become in my life. He meets my definition of success. The difference, is that he does not give me hope. I am not saying that you give me hope to begin with. He indirectly made me aware that my feeling should never rise above admiration. You see... I don't want to hurt myself again.

Dear FY,

Now that situation turns sour, honest be told... how should I face you? We have changed. My mind is decaying from my own solitude emotions.

I have lost bii. 

I have lost MS. 

Now I lose you too.

Forgotten? Prioritisation? I begin to know my place. Never in my life have I felt this lost. Obsession led me to think all the time. About you. When I woke up in the morning, when I went to sleep at night. And that went on for seven years.

I didn't like 2015. Hopefully the song will change the way I live. 

The video wraps my 2015:
1) Bii's visit
2) Chinese New Year with my mum
3) Melaka trip to satisfy my lust for food
4) My attempt to make churros
5) Bangkok trip to satisfy my lust for...
6) First house purchase
7) Birthday celebration in Starbucks Genting
8) Kampar and Ipoh trip to satisfy my lust for food...
9) Vancouver trip to meet you
10) Christmas gatherings

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 48 days

Dear FY, 

I am getting more anxious with each passing day.

What if I am not the same Jino you once knew?

What if your feeling has changed?

What if the trip does not turn out how we expect it to be?

Well, what if I stopped worrying?

Dear FY,

It has been 3 weeks since my relationship ended, officially. Part of my heart is pleased to find myself freed from the trust curse. It's right in my opinion that this decision would pave way to his new relationship. He must had waited too long for me to make my move.

KC was indecisive, he is usually found in the lost and found counter - the hospital; for disappearing and taking his own life. I got used to it and decided to stop wasting my time. Almost immediately I found XB, an innocent child whom I abandoned him a week after we held hands. I was purely the Darth Vader to break his heart. 4 years with EK in the contrary was more disappointing when he is mostly self centered. To dominate the relationship with "mum" seriously irritated me so much I was willing to stop walking with him. Another 4 years was spent with MS to find myself lost trust and faith in gay love.

I had been in relationship for 9 years without rest. At times I succumbed to temptation and lost the dignity I once proud of. I am not blaming this on anyone. It's me.

Eventually it is evident that I achieved little out of these years. Companionship? Support? Grow together? Security? Sex? No doubt I enjoyed all the sweet experience on beds, in the cars, in the hotels, in the bath, by the beach, in the sauna, in the massage... Oops. However I really appreciate some respect and appreciation as return from them.

My family is not positively on my side. I told myself not to get into another relationship till I hit 30. Not to mention I am constantly horny. Facebook is deactivated. I swiped right on Tinder for all genders, guess what? 99% match are males. Ironic, am I not attractive among the girls?

Perhaps this is the best time to heal my wounds from all these love hate relationships.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Tarry not longer

Dear FY,

While I was trapped in the state of confusion, I lost you. You know that I am a person with few words. I don't often say what is on my mind and even if I do, it usually doesn't come out quite right. I opened my mouth a few times to speak that night but ended up only spewing silence. Tried to force my tears back without much success, I accepted your words.

"You need to make a choice"

You were right that night. It was a race against the clock. CHOOSE!

I procrastinated. Hence, this post.

Bii found the courage to tell me his tale last night. Part of me was really glad he found someone to share his life with. Couldn't say my heart is in good shape either. I had arguably the most meaningful time with him. It's only fair to blame myself for being indecisive. My selfishness had let bii slipped with his new found love. 

One day can bend your life. And that night seemed to bend mine inexorably downward.

There are things that people will do even though they know it's pointless. No matter how pointless it is, they must do it in order to collect themselves. My impaired judgement was the reason I began to wilt away, which was tearing me up inside. I was desperate to turn to the help of alcohol but I couldn't find one. I tried not to think but that was proving difficult. 

Dear bii,

Please do not feel guilty. I remember thinking you were such an interesting guy. It's true that I am fighting hard to catch my breath now, you on the other hand must had taken a lot of courage to tell me. No matter how much I hate to lose you, the idea of seeing you happy was enough incentive. The choice is yours. I believe this love will stand the test of time. May your times be as good as ours and your love last much longer.

Our beautiful memories resonate endlessly at the back of my head.

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

This post does not require a title

Dear FY,

Here I am, at the place we both decided the best for us. Some where in my heart I wish to own the courage to challenge the impossible hurdle.

In the end I have failed every one.

Dear FY,

Nevertheless, thank you for the chance you had given. You deserve to be together with a better guy. I wish you would reply my messages more often. Rest more. Eat healthily. Stay young.

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

152 days ago...

Dear FY,

152 days ago, I realized how time has brought us apart. Guess what I saw when I looked into your ever charming eyes?

I did my hair the best in entire 2014 that night. That was my best top I have. Sorry that my car is not in good shape. But no matter how good I thought I was, I could not escape old age and it clearly showed in the reflection on your eyes.

The conversation that night was really disturbing, FY. But I guess we escaped the unrealistic dreams with a good bye kiss. 

Me and bii did not begin a journey as you had imagined. In fact we, like us, parted our ways with hugs and memories.

Dear FY,

Do you remember the video clip you sent me many years ago? Probably not. I made your voice my alarm ring tone every morning.

Do you remember the candid picture I took few years ago? Probably not 'coz I took quite a number of you. I made you my phone wallpaper.

I miss you.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Status

Dear FY,

I am single.

I am selfish.




Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

A not so rendezvous

Dear FY,

When you said you wanna spend a day with me on 27th, I took it so seriously I reserved 3 days just for you. You see, I was merely planning ahead for the unexpected so I thought 3 days were good. Christmas movie... Boxing Day hang out... I refused to join any.

Oh no... you were out of town. Change of plan. I cleaned my room in hope you will drop by. Unlike 2 years ago, this time my room was ready. 

It appeared our rendezvous turned up days later but I was very delighted you could make it before you return.

In the contrary to my expectation, that night did not end on a high note. The dinner was a mess. I screwed our dream.

My feeling faded as time passes. You barely respond to my text largely due to the time difference. Your voice could not reach me this far. Pictures are not as frequent as they used to be. Or I would rather say, you have stopped posting.

Do you know, FY? I too did not realize I miss you this much till you held my hand. I was very emotional to be truth. There was an instance I wish we could keep driving and our hands locked to each other. Perhaps driving aimlessly in the silent night would be good. We were closer when we were in the car. Don't you agree?

I tried my best not to cry. Sorry FY that I am soft and weak. I simply could not hold my tears. My tongue tasted bitter. My heart ached till I stopped breathing. Well, breathing part was exaggeration... But in reality I had few sleepless nights.

Can't be sure if I get it correctly... your smile was kinda sorrow. Perhaps you were just too exhausted with the trip.

Anyway I am really thankful you spent your precious time with me. Such memorable night to end 2014 and surely your words will be my motivation to kick start my 2015.

Dear FY,

My feelings are real. You are always beautiful in my eyes. Hugs.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Broke up

Dear FY,

Being ego can be attractive. But it is also the reason a relationship could not go well.

I witnessed a broke up right in front of my eyes tonight. 

They did not meet the eyes. Their voice echoed over the banquet. A birthday party had now turned to a farewell party?

Over hearing the entire conversation, I am certain both egos sky rocketed tonight. If only either one would give in, things would not be this bad.

Love is like a glass. It's fragile. Once broken it hurts.

From,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot