Chatime and courage

The plan was to deliver Chatime back to office as requested by many colleagues who were desperate to quench their thirst on the sunny day. As I stepped my foot out from the office, our eyes met. He was standing on one leg in his red skinny jeans and black jacket while puffing smoke out his mouth.

Who is he, you ask?

Among ourselves, he has a code name "Twilight". He is one of the managers from different processes and only manager who, on the entire floor, dyes his hair bright red, has pierced ears and numerous accessories on his body. By far he is the lala among the managers I know. Fair skin, undercut hair style, trendy fashion have never fail to capture my attention. Not to mention he is too young to be a manager. I am confident Orange will like this kind of guy.

From the loneliness in the working atmosphere, I began taking "mistresses" from many processes. One in Hong Kong, Singapore and Malaysia respectively. "Twilight" is my mistress from Canada process, the most good looking among them all.

Do I know him? Not personally. We walked pass each other mostly, while I try not to stare at him for too long. I have no reason and opportunity to approach him. 

Does he know me? No. We have never exchange word on any occasion.

My heart raced when I saw him at the entrance. He was leaning against the wall with his legs crossed, you get what I mean? A ciggerate in his left hand did not turn me away. I stopped 2 feet away, for a moment that felt forever. We have never been his close any longer than 5 seconds. When he noticed my presence, he too began to look at me.

That was when I broke the silence...

I am going to Chatime now. Perhaps you would be interest to place an order?

No thanks. I am ok.

In a very cool manner he declined my offer. He did not break his composure and continued smoking. I am not surprised why he was not caught by the sudden offer. Maybe he has got used to offers and invitation from guys. It would be more surprising if he accepts my offer, right? The biggest yield from the offer that day was the smile on his face. Something I will not simply get just by walking pass him.

I have not felt satisfaction from such daring move in many years. I felt young again. Now I have reason to smile at him whenever we meet. Hey, I am not drunk! I was bored, hoping things like this can spice up the day.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

I am at it, again

Again I deactivated my Facebook.

This time I will go further. I will use my old phone which has no access to whatever social networks that ruined me. I was about to give away my iPhone to Nicholas or Oren but both declined my gift and insisted me to continue using it.

To be truth, this iPhone has served its purpose and I no longer have any use of it.

You may find this ridiculous. But I am sure I am sane enough to make this decision.

The only wish I have now is to go back how I live my life 10 years ago. I was able to keep in touch with everyone without Facebook or iPhone. Every sms sent was so expensive and it is so precious that I have to maximize the content to make it meaningful in the cheapest way.

There will be no stalking, no harassing and no entertainment. But I believe this is better to me.

Only those who bother will care to look for me. I can finally focus on my life.

If you think you deserve an iPhone from me, try your luck.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

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I don't remember when was the last I feel what I currently feel right now. Is this my first time to emo, which explains why I couldn't cope this well? Or is it my inability to clear things up?

• My mum and I were not in talking terms. I passively layan her whenever she talked to me.
• But few days ago, my tongue slipped. After remaining quiet in the house for 3 days, my heart softened. I started to talk to her again.
• Here I thought things are back to normal.
• Yesterday she mentioned it again. I felt so down and called it a day at 8 p.m. without dinner.
• Today when I came home early from classes, she showed me a disgusted face. Yea, she might felt uneasy with my presence at home 'coz my return had disturbed the baby's sleep.
• So? I am not suppose to come home after class, yea?
• I know. I will stay in library. Stay in uni. Anywhere but not home.
• Fine. I took my bath and fell asleep after some cry.
• 3 hours later my phone rang and woke the baby up. Angrily she threw my phone at me and asked me to shut it up.
• I walked out the room for a second bath. She saw my red eyes but could not come out with anything.
• "Did someone extort you for money?" is what she could ask.
• "No" is my answer. Short and simple.
• I ripped open a Lot10 Sour+ from Kok Fai and popped it into my mouth. Shockingly the taste was awfully plain. Then I reached my hands on susu pekat and tasted it. I tasted a pinch of salt directly with my tongue.
• Oh no. Tasteless.
• The dinner just now was rather fast and quiet. I took cili padi to confirm the lost of taste bud.
• This might due to some kind of mental disorder. I know I will be fine once I cool down. I am in deep shit if I don't fix this.
• Or rather, on the positive side, everything tastes the same and I won't have a picky tongue anymore.
• Nevertheless, the root of the problem is not solved.
• Clear the mist is not my specialty. I will only make it more cloudy.
• I wish I can go out of this house. Stay at someone's house or talk to someone. Or cry at someone and get some comfort.
• I can't. 'Coz I don't have anyone nearby.
• And I still have to uphold certain responsibilities as a son and as a lover.
• Previously, I intoxicated myself with the abundant thesis workloads.
• What do I have left now?
• An umang-umang has a choice to leave its shell as it likes. I don't. Not now.
• If I have a laptop, I will not choose to write at home.
• The risk of being caught crying at home is high.
• I know I won't cry outside.
• And DiGi broadband is bullying me.

I have accumulating blogs to read from weeks but I could not gather myself to do what I like. I am disordered. I want to shout. I want to bite.

Not in a mood to write good things like I usually do. Bad content, bad choice of words. Forgive me. I don't have place to pour out my feelings. I am sad at the same time hate myself is over sensitive? MSN is not a good choice 'coz I have unstable connection.

I cannot wait for next Friday to come. He is coming back. I have a lot to tell him. The problem is how long more can I stay conscious?

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot