Sober at night

Dear FY,

When I thought I found someone to share my feelings with, he chose to avoid me entirely. 

We learnt the dramatic history of our past and how coincident every thing had been. Unable to take the guilt, he removed me as friend in all social media. He decided to severe our friendship with a silly past. He was deceived.

It was really painful for a moment to accept his decision. There was little fairness to me who treated him fairly. Part of me felt betrayed.

Towards the end I was not worthy to be called a friend. Here I am again, hiding alone in this cold room. Time to bottle up my emotions till I meet you.

With love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

A wasteful journey

Dear FY,

To be honest I appreciate what VI had done to instill me the value of punctuality. How could I forget 100 push ups for being late for 10 minutes? Never. And this was how I learn to appreciate all who are punctual. At the same time my area of development is the efficiency of my time management. This was discussed in my performance review lately.

My ex, let us call him MS, was lamenting about his role in the organisation this evening. One of the issue we discussed was his punctuality to work. Sadly, I found the discussion to be very negative. He behaved exactly like an ordinary staff.

Do I look like I care to be punctual? You guys never even say thank you. 

I know my problems for 5 years now. If this can be changed, I would change 5 years ago and I don't need you to tell me this today.

I have enough warning letters, I don't mind getting another 10? So what?

I am not helping myself? This is not something I can control. You need to accept.

Yes of course I am behaving like a normal staff. Cause I AM A NORMAL STAFF!

There are 2 people higher than you who had given me the same feedback. So YOU don't talk to me as if you can change me.

I am being mistreated by EVERY ONE. ALL OF YOU. Why would I care anymore?

These are the words I least expected from him. In spite of all these nasty comments, I felt the burden is finally lifted. 

If you think I enjoy waking up at 5 every morning to call you 60 times to ensure you wake up to work, yet you find this amazingly abusive? 

Could you imagine how much of sleep I could save if you were to share this with me 4 years ago?

You are right. I could save couple of ringgit on my phone bills too.

I am sorry I laugh too loud. I thought I was putting effort for your good but it turned out you don't need me.

You are right. No one can change you. Who am I anyway?

Dear FY,

Tonight hurts so much not because I still love him. Be it friends or lover, my bosses or my subordinates, I would be happy if my effort is appreciated. Apparently, to him, the time I spent is ill treatment.

Forgive me for being a fool.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

In the blink of an eye...

... another year has passed.

Dear FY,

I am sorry. I am confident you understand the reason behind this word.

To my dear friend,

Another anniversary for us.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Tarry not longer

Dear FY,

While I was trapped in the state of confusion, I lost you. You know that I am a person with few words. I don't often say what is on my mind and even if I do, it usually doesn't come out quite right. I opened my mouth a few times to speak that night but ended up only spewing silence. Tried to force my tears back without much success, I accepted your words.

"You need to make a choice"

You were right that night. It was a race against the clock. CHOOSE!

I procrastinated. Hence, this post.

Bii found the courage to tell me his tale last night. Part of me was really glad he found someone to share his life with. Couldn't say my heart is in good shape either. I had arguably the most meaningful time with him. It's only fair to blame myself for being indecisive. My selfishness had let bii slipped with his new found love. 

One day can bend your life. And that night seemed to bend mine inexorably downward.

There are things that people will do even though they know it's pointless. No matter how pointless it is, they must do it in order to collect themselves. My impaired judgement was the reason I began to wilt away, which was tearing me up inside. I was desperate to turn to the help of alcohol but I couldn't find one. I tried not to think but that was proving difficult. 

Dear bii,

Please do not feel guilty. I remember thinking you were such an interesting guy. It's true that I am fighting hard to catch my breath now, you on the other hand must had taken a lot of courage to tell me. No matter how much I hate to lose you, the idea of seeing you happy was enough incentive. The choice is yours. I believe this love will stand the test of time. May your times be as good as ours and your love last much longer.

Our beautiful memories resonate endlessly at the back of my head.

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Tale of a young boy

Dear FY,

I was not inclined to know new friends. Not till a few who were persistent recently. I did not like young boys... or so I thought. This young boy I met last month started to treat me differently.

He gave me the warmth I had been yearning for. While I wish this feeling to continue, part of me has restriction to move on. Perhaps he likes me? I do not know. I do not want to know.

He may be young but he is not as tall as you. He is not as good looking as you. 

You may not think of me as much as he does. You may not talk to me as much as he does. 

No matter how I look at you two, you are the perfect guy to me.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot