Project 55.5 - countdown 68 days

Dear FY,

All this while I had been wrong about her. I guess coming out to her on my sexuality has taken a toll on our relationship. I studied hard so that I don't lose to my brother. We stay under the same roof. I inherited part of her DNA. However the obvious favouritism and stereotype crushed my ego. 

She does not recognise my definition of success. I am compared to my blood brother; career, family and finance.

All you do is wasting time.

You have no future working there.

You are becoming like your dad. 使家精。

You can't afford a house. No you can't! I don't want to pay your house with my "coffin money".

The month after, she withdrew MYR 50k for my brother's second house. She calls this investment. Yes I am jealous. Jealous of the positive acknowledgement she showered my brother. Jealous of her supportive moves on my brother's desire. On the other hand here I sulk about her favouritism. It's never in my nature to be looked down by anyone. I couldn't stand the double standard. It's painful to endure.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 84 days

Dear FY,

Apparently the Visa application can be submitted in KL office.

The next step is to convert CAD with my entire salary this month.

While I was there to check the exchange rate today, I visited the Speedo we visited few years ago. There I stared at the fitting room and I smiled.




Pray hard,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 95 days

Dear FY,

You were definitely right that night. I am truly repentant for what I did that night. Without realising I neglected your feeling and spoke too much. 

If you would like to know... I was too afraid of losing you. I thought I had lost you too. There were times I wished to drug myself. I ached all over.

I don't wish to see us collapse. I turned to a moody beast...

... till you texted me again.

Again you accepted my shortcomings. Thank you for reminding my promise. Nine years, FY. Sorry to keep you waiting. This time I will not go back on my words. Thank you for the second chance. 

Flight ticket is ready. It looks like I gonna stroll down Singapore next week for my Visa. I have plenty of time to train my body and stamina.

We've lost lots of years. These 95 days will be awful. 

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Sober at night

Dear FY,

When I thought I found someone to share my feelings with, he chose to avoid me entirely. 

We learnt the dramatic history of our past and how coincident every thing had been. Unable to take the guilt, he removed me as friend in all social media. He decided to severe our friendship with a silly past. He was deceived.

It was really painful for a moment to accept his decision. There was little fairness to me who treated him fairly. Part of me felt betrayed.

Towards the end I was not worthy to be called a friend. Here I am again, hiding alone in this cold room. Time to bottle up my emotions till I meet you.

With love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

A wasteful journey

Dear FY,

To be honest I appreciate what VI had done to instill me the value of punctuality. How could I forget 100 push ups for being late for 10 minutes? Never. And this was how I learn to appreciate all who are punctual. At the same time my area of development is the efficiency of my time management. This was discussed in my performance review lately.

My ex, let us call him MS, was lamenting about his role in the organisation this evening. One of the issue we discussed was his punctuality to work. Sadly, I found the discussion to be very negative. He behaved exactly like an ordinary staff.

Do I look like I care to be punctual? You guys never even say thank you. 

I know my problems for 5 years now. If this can be changed, I would change 5 years ago and I don't need you to tell me this today.

I have enough warning letters, I don't mind getting another 10? So what?

I am not helping myself? This is not something I can control. You need to accept.

Yes of course I am behaving like a normal staff. Cause I AM A NORMAL STAFF!

There are 2 people higher than you who had given me the same feedback. So YOU don't talk to me as if you can change me.

I am being mistreated by EVERY ONE. ALL OF YOU. Why would I care anymore?

These are the words I least expected from him. In spite of all these nasty comments, I felt the burden is finally lifted. 

If you think I enjoy waking up at 5 every morning to call you 60 times to ensure you wake up to work, yet you find this amazingly abusive? 

Could you imagine how much of sleep I could save if you were to share this with me 4 years ago?

You are right. I could save couple of ringgit on my phone bills too.

I am sorry I laugh too loud. I thought I was putting effort for your good but it turned out you don't need me.

You are right. No one can change you. Who am I anyway?

Dear FY,

Tonight hurts so much not because I still love him. Be it friends or lover, my bosses or my subordinates, I would be happy if my effort is appreciated. Apparently, to him, the time I spent is ill treatment.

Forgive me for being a fool.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot