Close up to open out (Part 6)

Related Post:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

The toughest moment

I finally found the time and inspiration to complete my writing. Supposedly this was to be published on Mother's Day in 2009. As life goes, I couldn't find the right piece in my heart that holds discipline to express my thoughts into words. Not really important though. This post is a random mixture of my understanding and perception to my mum whom I love so much.

Since her first encounter with KC, worsen by the phone conversation with his mum (when his mum told mine that KC's gay and warned my mum to be cautious), she had been suspecting and dropping hints. In my every attempt to meet my bf, be it KC or XB, there was need to create lies; white lies or bold-faced lies. All this, to convince her that I was about to meet my friends, to attend gatherings with classmates, more of sort to healthy activities - so that I would seem normal and not an orchestrated exit. Of course gatherings and reunions are bad lies. I can't be attending gatherings every day, right? That was when she started questioning my whereabouts; with who I went out with, how many people I was to meet, and also kept reminding me to come home early. She was a bit too much to call me every hours; with lame reasons each time. It's not something she would likely do in the past, but I can feel that my freedom was challenged.

I lied in everything she needs to know and never unravel the real 'who' I always went out with. Hanson? Ken? UTAR friends? U6BF? If she counted properly, I met Hanson and Ken 3 times a week, U6BF every week. I couldn't be sure if she never see through my blatant lies. But my mum was definitely not dumb to not suspect anything.

From Edwin and his family background, it implied that acknowledging a mum that her son is gay is similar to stabbing her in heart and stewing her liver. Although his story was encouraging, I couldn't gather enough courage to reveal myself. Not during the period I am dependent on her to live my life. I was in the middle of pursuing studies, you see. If I tell her now and so happen that we couldn't work it out, I will have to stop, everything goes to waste and I definitely didn't want that to happen. (Disclaimer: Now = that particular period of time, not now of the writing time) To tell her the truth is unnecessary. I "will" tell her everything in the future when my life is deemed stable. At least that was the plan.

But today (I mean that day), she hinted the clearest indication that she knows everything. Well ahead of the original schedule.

I still remember the previous day I brought him back home to pay my parents a visit and offered him my pillow for the night. I introduced him as Hanson's cousin. She'd been closely observing since the longest time and all the clues lead to the same conclusion. It had to be.

On the night of 16 February 2008 while sending Edwin back home, unpleasantly she called in urgency for my presence. There was something amiss here. She has always been a wise and gentle soul. It's safe to assume that something was wrong, probably she saw the websites I visited, or the movies that I secretly downloaded. But it's something more than those that led to everything exposed.

Upon reaching home I was dumbfounded by what she showed me (picture to the right) and sought my explanation. The surprise stunned me so long that the sound of silence in the room with only both of us could be heard clearly. Deep in my heart I felt angry 'coz she invaded my privacy by ransacking my files and pictures. On another side I was scared of what's about to happen next. Tried to choose the best words to cover up but could not tell out. Every time she stared at me, I looked away. The place felt like a tomb. Situation turned intense but I couldn't help to be total speechless.

"If you're not saying anything, I will start asking" and the next thing I remembered was she asked so many things and talked too much of which I couldn't recall all.

I've seen you doing this (picture above) long time ago. I've no idea to who you wanted to give but now I think I've known.

I could have denied any allegations, simply avoided all conflicts that might stir up unease. If I wanted to, I could deny that the present was for my other friends. But I chose a daring answer by a simple reply "Yes".

To be expected, her tone changed. Red in her eyes, there is long silence between each sentence...

Why are you so close to him?
You can't be meeting your friends everyday as you claimed. You were with him all time, weren't you? - I nodded
Son, are you gay? - I nodded
What are you doing? Why do you become like this?
Your relationship is not natural. It will lead you to a dead end.
There's no future. You can't get married.
A normal human is to find a woman, get married and have children.
You live in darkness.
He will cost you your life.
You will be infected by HIV and AIDS.
I have the responsibilities to bring you back to the right path. 'Coz I am your mother.
Do not see him anymore. - I stood fortified, "NO" was my answer
He is not helping you. He is the devil. He will destroy you. - Was she taunting me? From here on I couldn't concentrate 'coz I was raging
Have you ever dated any girls? - I nodded
She might not be a good one.
Why don't you find another one? How much do you know about girls?
Who knows the future girl is better than a boy?

Listen to me...
I am your mother.
Have I done anything bad to you before?
Everything I did is to make sure you grow correctly.
I have given you my best.
You have your responsibilities to the family.
Listen to me...
Change. And don't find him anymore.
Is there any mistakes in the way we raised you up?
Tell me where's wrong, so that we can correct ourselves.

Sadly, they were familiar to me on several levels. More or less the same I heard from stories by friends who first came out to parents. So much that I agree, deep inside I was angry at her negative stereotypes. A bolt of pain shot through my heart. I kept quiet during the whole monologue. Felt the boil in me but couldn't counter her claims - choked on my own words. It was so frustrating yet scary. Edwin kept texting me during the conversation but I couldn't reply. This is the toughest moment of a gay man's life.

We stayed in the room for an indeterminate amount of time. In the end of the last line she rose to her feet and we got ourselves buried our heads in the pillows, drifting to sleep. Too emotional and we couldn't move forward. Wrong words are often said in desperation. But I know you couldn't rest well. If not with everything that happened earlier, you could probably sleep soundly. She should be aching all over. I am weak in dealing with pain. So I prescribed time for her.

Ever since you forced my closet door open, I've been getting occasional outburst followed by silent treatments, more frequent overtime. I'd been ignoring her and avoided verbal contact as much possible. Arguments of big or small are spoil the day. There were times I wished she would leave me alone. But I know this was bringing us nowhere. For every argument we had will lead us back to square 1 - I am still gay. I wouldn't have came out to her if she didn't demand the truth. Now she discovered the truth not to her please and then she's been acting like that. She's so distant at times. Many said that ignorance at this point was bliss. It's better to leave her alone than to confront her at square 1.

But I think in long run, we need to solve our conflict anyhow. The truth that I am gay, the fact that I am his boyfriend, the reality that I love him. No more hiding, no more lies, no more excuses. I did not want to see us collapse. I took up my courage to initiate a constructive talk with her during one of the days before my 3rd sem finals. To understand the situation, to use proper words, to analyze at her expression, to time each word correctly, I channeled all my beliefs and ideas of what I had, in hope that she could absorb and digest bit by bit, slowly if not everything at once. With the help of google, these are the words that I gambled my life for. More or less.

I didn't choose to be gay. If I have a choice, I would want not hurt you.
He is not a bad guy.
My sexuality is not resulted from mixing the wrong crowd.
We both know of how much you have sacrificed to raise me up.
I understand homosexual is deem sinful and criticized in your era.
I am aware that you are trying to protect me.
I can feel you.

I want you to know I still can live a bliss life.
But I don't guarantee anything.
I never think of my sexuality as something disastrous.
But I will prove to you that gays will have good outcome too.
Gay relationship is not as complicated as you think it is.
We are the same as you and dad.
Just that we are boys.
I am fully aware of the uncertainties with the path we choose.
Yet I had readily braced myself for the challenges.
It's your call to walk with me or not.

Dating him will not affect my studies.
Instead we will help each other more often.
Why can't you treat him as another son instead to lose a son?
I am your son. I will not abandon you who raised me well for 23 years.
Your son did not grow as a robber or politician to rob and cheat.
Your son do not do drugs.
Your son is not an alien with green feelers and tentacles.
I am still a human.
More importantly, I am your son.
Why do you treat me with such awkwardness?

So what if my friends know?
If they are my friends, they will be as understanding as you to accept who I am.
Even if they don't, I hope you are not one of them.
I am not asking you to accept him as part of our family.
I am asking your kindness to see us and accept us the same as you treat others.
A human.
The society has been open minded.
They start seeing things from different lights.
We're no longer in dark ages.
They don't think the way you are thinking now.
So should you.

I know that you worry but the risks of AIDS are always there.
Do you think I won't get infected if I sleep around with girls?
Chances are the same. Homo. Hetero.
Believe me, I know more than you. I am a Science student.
I won't leave him. He's the one I love.
We're serious in this.
Yes I am selfish.
But I hope that you can bless us and approve us.
'Coz I don't want to let him go.
Please don't force us a life that you know well that I won't be happy with.
If you think we disgrace you, fell free to kick me out.
But I will still prove to you, me and him can still do it together.

I am sorry that the truth has to be cruel.
But it doesn't look like I have a choice.
The fact that I don't like girls is not my choice.
But I am not hurt 'coz this is my nature.
I promise, he is my last.
Only death can separate us apart and I shall prove with time.
Why be sad over unchangeable fact despite having a choice to smile that we are still a family?
If you happen to threaten me with your life, this is my last act as your son.
I really thank you for not doing so 'coz you will really put me in guilt.
No matter how you think, no matter what you do.
I still love you.

Perhaps we had allowed each other enough time to rationalize. That all flowed smoothly. The conversation we had stained upon my life greatly.

She read up materials on net on my suggestion regarding that. She did try exploring our world with intention to understand her son. With my brother's help, she's back to herself. Not only we're in good talking terms again, she started giving signs of acceptance and tolerance. We had lunches and vacations together on occasion. She was supportive which was evidenced by when new bf travelled to Thailand and Taiwan with me. And also his sleep over on occasion in her house. I don't expect more from her anymore. It's not her responsibility to do that. She's kind enough to accept me and not alienate our relationship. I am thankful that she really gave her best for me. You are my best mother I can hope for. To be your son, I am forever proud of.

Happy Mother's Day.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close up to open out (Part 5)

Related post:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Everyone is looking for true love but me
爱情是不求天长地久，而只在乎曾经拥有

I couldn't imagine this blog post will be edited. Not this much that I thought.

When I said that the list of my exes ended in the previous post, apparently I am dead wrong.

There is no need to describe how lovely we were. Past will remain past, no matter how much I elaborate. Everyone knows how proud I am of the four years relationship. However, it was several months ago when the relationship began to show its crack and I started to fear.

Where have we gone wrong?

Why can't we fix the fault?

From lover you became a stranger.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.

The end is the end. It just happened without warning and caught me unprepared. I am deeply sorry that I couldn't bring in my promises into picture for these four years. You tolerated and gave in to my weaknesses while I fail to see the beauty of yours.

Have I done the right thing?

You may think that I am selfish - Yes I am. I am a liar. I am a jerk. I am heartless. At times, I couldn't face the truth myself. I would be lying if I can be calm and happy at this stage. In my smile, I have hidden doubt on my own decision. Truth to be told, I wasn't ready to lose you but I did.

A month without you was so painful. I hope that your friends are supportive to keep you strong. Although I am alone now but you taught me what to do. 'Coz I know after this, I will not forget you. I will miss the moment and feelings we had.

Thanks and sorry.

Penang, here I come.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close up to open out (Part 4)

Related post:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Friendship turned bromance

Have you ever come across the situation where you delete everything you wrote as draft beforehand, rejecting the entire content? I had done so. Rewriting in an hour was easy when emotions flow to no end. Whistling through the raindrops is a bonus.

We were in the same class on several occasions but not until you left comments on my Friendster that your presence was significant. The transition from stranger to acquaintance to friend began with attention - you made the first attempt for the friendship to develop. You remained a low profile boy without obvious p trait and as such, I had hard time determining your sexuality. Or rather, my gaydar was poorly functioning. That wasn't the main concern, I swear.

You were treated as equal as the rest to maintain a healthy friendship. While I was still attached (to KC), I did not expect nor request anything from you. Not to mention I never knew you're one of us, I kept my gayism low to not lose a friend and avoid punches from a straight, just in case. I was hell sure you were not more significant than others in my friends list.

But for awhile things weren't the same.

We knew each other on education level but we moved further. Gradually you shared me your family background, work experience, ambition, emotions, rants and everything else that I need not know yet wish to find out. When you confided your love interest and showed me the girl you crushed on, inside me was tearing.

Coincidentally our working places were arms length during semester part time job. I saw you everyday and we spent many lunches together. You could say it's fate. I believe it was. That wasn't enough to attract me. In an incident, willingly, you shared half of the donuts from your supervisor on your great sales performance. Honestly speaking, you didn't know how touched I was. My first taste on JCo donuts was thanks to you. In that instance, all too certain there was this guy that I was attracted to and I had developed feeling for. That guy, nonetheless, was you, XB.

I couldn't help to over analyze you endlessly and finished as a loser. You touched my hands in the cinema. We chatted all nights. You always stared into my eyes when we talked. You even invited me back to your hometown to do house chores. For the last month your attitude towards me had become even more supportive and caring. I was beginning to feel that you were looking at me in a different way, though I hardly suspect your intention.

Do you like me? Of 'coz you like me, but what are you looking for? You seem to treat me really good but are your intentions the same as mine?

Questions reversed.

Do I like you? Of 'coz I like you, but what am I looking for? Could it be that my feelings for you have grown into something more? I seem to treat you really good but is my intention the same as yours?

I'd been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. The hardest part was deciphering the difference between someone wanting to be friends and someone wanting to be more, I get mixed signals. It was a tough call and I evaluated myself if I was ready to make my move, to take the risk. What's the worst that could happen? The fear of failure, the chance of awkwardness - these are few things that crossed my mind

Nothing could be further from the truth. On your birthday morning you were on my bed, an inch away from me. Your eyes fixed on mine when I adjusted my eyes to the light in the room. Bravely and randomly, without a second thought I pecked you on your lips at the same time robbed your first kiss. Almost instantly I clenched my eyes. We could have heard the pin drop. From the sound of your heart beat I immediately knew you wouldn't beat me. The moment of truth was here.

The confirmation you provided was reassuring but you were not at all happy to learn KC was in our way. Your patience allowed me time to plan and decide what I want. There's no pressure from you. Over time, your voices were my courage to step in the right direction (on how I eliminated KC, read Part 3). Again you prescribed me time. Time to recollect myself after breaking up. I wasn't strong as you think, however I didn't take long.

Almost a month I waited for the both to get ready. The day was 1st January, 2008. Fireworks graced the beginning of our relationship. Here, I thought you were the prince I truly waited for. Sadly, the fireworks did not simply witnessed my new found love. It was also the day someone unexpectedly expressed his love to me. That someone was not you. He was your new competitor.

I wouldn't give him a chance to ruin what I worked hard to earn. At least I thought so. But it didn't go well. We had been through so much together that it hurts just recalling a tiny fraction of the time we spent as a couple. It was at much lamented we ended 8 days later, while I easily succumbed to a new promising love on the 9th. No, you did no wrong. No, we didn't have argument. Yes, my heart had changed. Perhaps you will find that I'm trying to justify my decision to move on. I couldn't come out something better than crying to alleviate my guilt of ending this relationship. I have to sorry for being a jerk and ruined your first love.

What is bromance? Brother romance? Bad romance?

It takes only a minute to get crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Too afraid my heart will change, the reason meeting new friends is my least favourite now is largely due to my inability to control the bromance recurrence and to avoid repeating history of increasing names to my list of exes. Of 'coz, yes to my lacking determination and brittle loyalty.

Hence, the stories of my exes end with this post.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close up to open out (Part 3)

Related post:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Curious is never a love

There are many saying that goes with love:

Love blinds.
A man falls in love through his eyes.
Love doesn't make the world go around. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

and many more. Amidst many quotes from the shelf, there was a lot of time I believe "Flash love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity " best describes what I am about to write today.

Those who remember will remember the Facebook test I created long ago. Titled "How much do you know about Jino", it comprises 10 questions. If my memory serves me correctly, among the 12 candidates, 10 were shocked to answer question 4 wrongly. Question 4 was:

How many ex(es) did Jino have (before May 2009)?

a) 1

b) 2

c) 3

d) 4

Those who answered a) were shocked to realize they got the answer wrong. Sorry for them. Then I was cornered and was forced to reveal the truth. I didn't hint them any clear indication, but they are not stupid to not suspect.

The truth is, 2 weeks after my first (also the last) gf, I entered another relationship. With who? KC's the name. Fast? I agree too. You wouldn't expect me to tell the whole story of how we started, 'coz I don't feel like telling you anyway. The story behind the truth was shameful. I personally think I lost my coolness that day and... I couldn't believe myself being so cheap for allowing that to happen on our first meet. It wasn't that bad as you think , but I feel very low and inappropriate. 'Love at first sight? We started dating immediately. Instant magnetism? Sounds so wrong, isn't it?

The first month was a complete romance, probably the same as everyone else. We were separated by 50km between mine and his place but distance was not a hindrance. We were tied by his hectic schedule but it didn't stop us. Phone calls were limited but I sacrificed my dad's phone. We talked, we cooked, we slept, we walked, we watched. We tried and experimented almost everything for fresh love we'd just started.

At first I didn't mind spending more on petrol to drive to his place. He had financial crisis and I understand that much. He is a good son and I comprehend his difficulties. Everything I did was for him and very little was for myself. I even lost a lot of my time away from my family. It felt so good on the first month but all that fun came with a price.

For variety of reasons, it is possible to tolerate the romantic season, even if it means to spend on my loan and travel an hour on MRR2 just for a glimpse of his face. Oh sure, soon I learned people have limit. The magic behind the romance was slowly on the wane. From phone calls everyday we cut down to none. From sms 24/7 we reduced to only a morning sms and goodnight sms. From meeting almost everyday we limit ourselves to 1 hour once every 2 weeks. I heard very little contact back from him. Were we on a break? Was love so much for him that he needed holidays after the romantic season?

When I said "love you forever", I thought I could fight to clear up to that limit. Suddenly I was wondering whether I was receiving equal amount of affection back. I was horribly mistaken. I'd done enough. Warning: Never say "I love you forever" even if you terribly love someone. That will be the hardest word retractable in man's history.

Not only that he did not share his problems with me, he made me feel I was another burden to him. I called him but he did not pick up my phone. When he did, he could only say his mum was watching and not convenient for further conversation. He had serious health and family problems. I tried my hardest to help as a bf but... he wouldn't open up for me and chose to bottle up his problems. If the stress pressured on him was unbearable, why didn't he come to me for help? Or was the pressure so strong that he did not want me get involved? Or was there no way I could at least in any help? The hardest part of this was knowing that I loved him and thought I would carry on loving him, but now standing on a crossroad pondering moments of thinking of did I ever love him. I stood confused and heart broken due to the loneliness when I was supposedly in love.

You had your darkest hours while I was left at home not contributing. You probably resorted to your friends but you never tried approaching me. All that to make sure I never worry you and your problems? But you didn't realize the way you disappear cast worries on me. I didn't have clue on what you are up to. I didn't know any of your friends. To a point you distanced yourself and blocked me from reaching you. To that, I was disheartened.

I realize you were not the 'one' anymore and I wanted to be freed to possibly meet other people. At the same time I could not collect myself to tell you what I want, I did not know how to speak to you. You were my world but you were barely my life. Again I was not ready for commitment? The love's fading due to unclear communication. I did not have the courage to tell you my thoughts until XB came into my life in the mid of the relationship.

Besides the reasons earlier, XB was largely the reason we got out of hands. I was not a two timer and there were needs to clear the mess. To remain as what it was, or to choose XB and start all over? Finally I came to decision when Hindraf struck their protest in KL, me and KC talked each other out in KFC while others were trapped in traffic congestion. As agreed, our relationship ended exactly 2 months from when it first started.

I don't love you anymore.

We are not compatible.

No use carrying on as we are not getting anywhere.

Sadly it was time I took off from the mis-managed relationship as I need holidays for myself. After all, both of us were heartbroken beyond belief. Nevertheless, it was another start of my life. That cleared the path for XB in my life later. Despite the fact I left KC, I am a selfish guy who did not want to be trapped in the not-going-anywhere love. When he was at his lowest I stabbed him and left him died in bleed. My deepest apologies. I still owe you sorries.

Someone once said that the only two things that motivate an enlightened person are love and curiosity. While flash love is known curiosity motivated, love is not at all related to curiosity. Utterly ridiculous if both words were forced connected, I would say.

A bastard I am, I always see myself all righteous and other people are the reasons for everything that faults.

The only regret for the 2 months is 'forever'.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close up to open out (Part 2)

Related post:
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

She's the only and the last

It's better to write/ talk about what happen next, than to imprint the past that might hurt her if she happens to read.

To heed what Piew advised or to not?

I firstly realize the existence of girls and differences with boys since 13 where genders divide humans into 2 separate worlds. When one study in an all-boy school for 5 years my exposure to opposite sex was extremely restricted. Practically, I never know any girls from other schools. Never had I converse or sit together with them. But I usually greet hello, good morning or ciaoz to the female teachers and mum and aunties - the only females in contact with me. Seriously, no contact with other girls? Seriously, yes.

The number of girls flocked into the hall on the 1st day of Form 6 surprised me lol. They are... A LOT!!! I never see so many girls at one time, not to mention to mix and mingle with them. Soon I realize, I have difficulties to recognize girls, even now. Suzanne, Denise, Amy, Li-Shen... They had their hair tied, wore the same uniforms, heights of equal, they're really indistinguishable at first. After a month or two, I adapted to the surrounding and was able to memorize their faces, mainly because I mixed a lot with them. Form 6, was the first chance I had to know girls. I still wonder, does every gay man develop defective recognition ability such as mine?

To see my friends in deep affiliation to another classmates, hence fragrant lovely aroma slightly dejected me in jealousy while I cannot do anything bout my love life. Being in the closet at that time, I wonder when will my time come? Or how will it come? Will it come in the first place?

End of Form 6 approached, rumours of you liked me roamed wild. Hmm... that's a fresh question to me. A girl like me? Never had in my mind I thought of that. Nah, that's so like not going to happen. Anyway I took that into deep consideration but found rather confusing. Will it work? Do I like you? Am I going to force myself? What will happen next? Am I doing the right move?

Too hard to put my mind into pieces, as they are so random now.

I know I like guys, and you may have suspected as much, I still try hard to straighten myself. Bi, at least if possible. It's quite difficult to be a gay in our stereotype society. I was not openly gay and was still hiding in the dark. By accepting you I give myself a try to become 'normal', at least chances to lead a normal life that all tv shows portray. Don't get me wrong. I did not use this as chance to hide my sexuality, but rather to live straightly. I know my words are not convincing to most of you. I know I am just a pokai who played one's heart and then told her "It's not you whom I love". Dramatic. And that's how you look at me.

Let me be very honest. In the 11 months, I had collision of feelings from happiness saute confusion. Sorrow mix agitation. Adrenaline blend stress. Carefully, I created a distance between the two of us to avoid suspicion of me being gay. Is this love? I always wondered. Do I love you? Or do I just like you? I tried my best in the commitment to maintain the relationship we started but most of the time the questions of sexuality devoured me into guilt. As tv drama always says, love can be nurtured slowly. It may take some time. But how long should I take to nurture? The more I delay the more both of us will be hurt. Should I sacrifice and live the way it was, a straight life at the expense of happiness and freedom? Or should I live the gay way, with another man and hide in darkness? Both decisions are tough. Both require determination and strong will to achieve or maintain. And both will definitely impose damage to either us. Yet I need to decide.

As all of you have understood, I chose the path which no one sees good but I personally think it's the best for me and you. On that night itself I triggered many questions from my friends in surprise following my unexpected break up - "WHY?" - all came at once. Suzanne. Fiona. Chu Chun Hong even scolded me for that. I must had greatly traumatized you. Not long later I realized my biggest mistake to not see your feeling and your sincerity in love. All this while the questions in my head were self-centred to the extent I ignored you, resulting a victim of my sexuality. Remorse's streaming. All I thought were to give it a shot and do my best but unconsciously my selfishness impacted on you bad experience. The betrayal you can see is trivial. What is truly fearsome is the betrayal you can see coming not - Aizen. Somehow, someway I betrayed your trust and instead injected mistrust into you. My indecisive gave you insecurity. What had I done?

Is there need for more elaboration? You suffered because of me. I never come to see this earlier. That's more than a reason for you to hate me. The will to turn straight backfired, not just me but you too are victims (am I also a victim?). I don't want to be victim. It makes me even a more selfish bastard. Ok I am not a victim. It was at much lamented to take the question - "She likes me?" - into consideration. If I never curious, all these might not need to happen.

Chu said I played you, and used you as cover for hiding. You said I am very good in pretending. You both were right. After all, those're what you see happening. During the 11 months, I cared for you and gave my best to be a good boyfriend. However, I think what I had done so far was playing a role of no better than a best friend kind of boyfriend. I totally fail as a boy friend and as a friend. Cover up was not my intention. I wanted to try living a normal life as normal people would, but obviously I failed, miserably. I thought I could give up the very atypical behaviour I have if I put in more determination. Who knows? I lack determination.

The last time we ever crossed words was on Laushu's 2008 birthday. A simple sentence "You need to pay for this juice" and that stunned me. I don't know how she thinks of me now. Maybe time has diluted your hatred? I never reconcile you after we broke apart. Wait! I better not imagine. I think that I may better leave your life alone than to tell you the truth of our break up. It's not important anymore, isn't it? You can continue to live without knowing. Knowing will just flash you back unnecessarily to the memories you wanted to delete so badly. However I want to thank you for giving me a wonderful experience. I am eternally grateful for giving me a wonderful lesson of life. I am sorry for my selfishness, and I am sorry for hurting you towards the end of our relationship. Anyhow, I am still indebt thousand apologies to you.

I once thought, why not try another girl? Don't because of a tree you give up the whole forest. Perhaps she's not the destined? Or perhaps there's a better one yet to be found?

On another thought, I better not. I'm not going to hurt another innocent girl just like what I'd done to you. I learned my lesson. An invaluable one.

After long wind years of doing odd jobs and hurting people, here I am again. Back to square 1 - a gay. After you, I fully understood of what I need. Not a straight path that needs me to pretend forcefully. Nor a bi life that requires me cheating all parties. All I need is a simple love that people like us desire - with a man I can love till death separates us apart.

Last but not least, thank you for reading.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Close up to open out (Part 1)

Related post:
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

To announce

Dear readers of my utmost respect.

Neither do I term this an acknowledgment to those who has long suspected me, nor I am confessing to those who do not realize. This is a little piece of my mind that I want to share with you guys. After all, I think you have the right to know, but is another matter to me if it brings disturbance to you.

In the eyes of a normal being, a male admiring another male is concluded gay. If I say I am doing the same since 10 years ago, does that make me a big term gay? I guess that's right, even my mind comes to the same conclusion in denial.

From here on, if you cannot afford to read any further, kindly leave and never look back.

In the right minds of the straights, gay is an unnatural event of life, a path that leads no where to the betterment of life. Oh, how I couldn't agree more to this. But the reason I am now that does not near to the society norm, is because the concept of gay exist as part of my nature conscience. It was not my hatred to girls that turned me gay. Neither because I befriended a bunch of gay friends who had influenced me. I never blame my parents for raising me to what I've become. Without realizing, I develop this character naturally, beyond my control. I once thought that it was inscrutable for not being the same as peers but was soon comprehended - I simply take no interest in girls.

I live through my adolescence in era of limited communication. As sources of information are scarce without internet and no friends of such genre to speak to and share with at that time, I was exploring the world all by myself. Does studying in an all-boy school worsen the effect? I think it does. I had crushes on few of my friends back in school but a crush is just a crush. I never propose, I never drop any hint, I don't even dare to walk close to them. No one suspected me, no one knew, and maybe no one bothers to give a damn at me - I mean during my mid-school term. Gradually, I display a precocious attraction towards people of same gender. Yet I am able to generate the preconceived idea about gay being ok.

My first fear is not due to the difference of interest with straights. I am not afraid that I cannot get married and reproduce as normal people would do. Neither will I be shaken by the feeling of being lonely. If there's something that I fear as a gay, it will be my hell straight and homophobia parents and friends who cannot accept me for who I am. I could not bear the risk of losing my parents and friends for such trivial reason. The feel of labeled 'not fit' in the society, unacceptable and discrimination holds me back.

Afraid of being found out, I hid my nature so badly during my mid school life so that no one will find out, no one to see through me, no one to realize my bent interest to start with. Line between sense of belonging and and my sexuality was drawn to ease socializing among the straights. I lied through the past 10 years with all possible lies, as straight as I can. Call me hypocrite all you want, 'coz I am. But time has long passed, society has moved into an acceptable openness and my fear of discrimination slowly diminishes.

After many of these years, I learn to see and value from different angles, different views from various perspectives. If I am a true friend to you, does my sexuality hinder our friendship? Even if it means disappointment, I have to tell my parents someday that I can never live the way they have expected.

By clicking the 'publish post' today, I am ready to lose many friends and at the same time discriminated. From now on, I won't deny if anyone ask me "is this real?" I sincerely apologize if anyone felt cheated. Sorry...

Thank you for reading.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot