Saturday, August 7, 2010

Close up to open out (Part 4)

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Friendship turned bromance

Have you ever come across the situation where you delete everything you wrote as draft beforehand, rejecting the entire content? I had done so. Rewriting in an hour was easy when emotions flow to no end. Whistling through the raindrops is a bonus.

We were in the same class on several occasions but not until you left comments on my Friendster that your presence was significant. The transition from stranger to acquaintance to friend began with attention - you made the first attempt for the friendship to develop. You remained a low profile boy without obvious p trait and as such, I had hard time determining your sexuality. Or rather, my gaydar was poorly functioning. That wasn't the main concern, I swear.

You were treated as equal as the rest to maintain a healthy friendship. While I was still attached (to KC), I did not expect nor request anything from you. Not to mention I never knew you're one of us, I kept my gayism low to not lose a friend and avoid punches from a straight, just in case. I was hell sure you were not more significant than others in my friends list.

But for awhile things weren't the same.

We knew each other on education level but we moved further. Gradually you shared me your family background, work experience, ambition, emotions, rants and everything else that I need not know yet wish to find out. When you confided your love interest and showed me the girl you crushed on, inside me was tearing.

Coincidentally our working places were arms length during semester part time job. I saw you everyday and we spent many lunches together. You could say it's fate. I believe it was. That wasn't enough to attract me. In an incident, willingly, you shared half of the donuts from your supervisor on your great sales performance. Honestly speaking, you didn't know how touched I was. My first taste on JCo donuts was thanks to you. In that instance, all too certain there was this guy that I was attracted to and I had developed feeling for. That guy, nonetheless, was you, XB.

I couldn't help to over analyze you endlessly and finished as a loser. You touched my hands in the cinema. We chatted all nights. You always stared into my eyes when we talked. You even invited me back to your hometown to do house chores. For the last month your attitude towards me had become even more supportive and caring. I was beginning to feel that you were looking at me in a different way, though I hardly suspect your intention.

Do you like me? Of 'coz you like me, but what are you looking for? You seem to treat me really good but are your intentions the same as mine?

Questions reversed.

Do I like you? Of 'coz I like you, but what am I looking for? Could it be that my feelings for you have grown into something more? I seem to treat you really good but is my intention the same as yours?

I'd been having very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. The hardest part was deciphering the difference between someone wanting to be friends and someone wanting to be more, I get mixed signals. It was a tough call and I evaluated myself if I was ready to make my move, to take the risk. What's the worst that could happen? The fear of failure, the chance of awkwardness - these are few things that crossed my mind

Nothing could be further from the truth. On your birthday morning you were on my bed, an inch away from me. Your eyes fixed on mine when I adjusted my eyes to the light in the room. Bravely and randomly, without a second thought I pecked you on your lips at the same time robbed your first kiss. Almost instantly I clenched my eyes. We could have heard the pin drop. From the sound of your heart beat I immediately knew you wouldn't beat me. The moment of truth was here.

The confirmation you provided was reassuring but you were not at all happy to learn KC was in our way. Your patience allowed me time to plan and decide what I want. There's no pressure from you. Over time, your voices were my courage to step in the right direction (on how I eliminated KC, read Part 3). Again you prescribed me time. Time to recollect myself after breaking up. I wasn't strong as you think, however I didn't take long.

Almost a month I waited for the both to get ready. The day was 1st January, 2008. Fireworks graced the beginning of our relationship. Here, I thought you were the prince I truly waited for. Sadly, the fireworks did not simply witnessed my new found love. It was also the day someone unexpectedly expressed his love to me. That someone was not you. He was your new competitor.

I wouldn't give him a chance to ruin what I worked hard to earn. At least I thought so. But it didn't go well. We had been through so much together that it hurts just recalling a tiny fraction of the time we spent as a couple. It was at much lamented we ended 8 days later, while I easily succumbed to a new promising love on the 9th. No, you did no wrong. No, we didn't have argument. Yes, my heart had changed. Perhaps you will find that I'm trying to justify my decision to move on. I couldn't come out something better than crying to alleviate my guilt of ending this relationship. I have to sorry for being a jerk and ruined your first love.

What is bromance? Brother romance? Bad romance?

It takes only a minute to get crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Too afraid my heart will change, the reason meeting new friends is my least favourite now is largely due to my inability to control the bromance recurrence and to avoid repeating history of increasing names to my list of exes. Of 'coz, yes to my lacking determination and brittle loyalty.

Hence, the stories of my exes end with this post.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot