Sunday, August 23, 2009
When you first intended to study your degree in Kampar, I couldn't respond. I thought I will lose you soon. But I quickly get over it and accept the fact that you had to go because you had to. 3 years are quick to pass, I let you go with confidence in maintaining our relationship. Promised to meet often, SMS, call, webcam and etc (ignore the financial circumstances), we manage to, at least till now. At least I can still reach you.
When you expressed your eagerness to further your master, I am more than glad to support you. However, concerning distance far as Australia or Japan or UK, you sent me into unresponsive again. It is a world I cannot reach upon. You give me the same loneliness again. I was shocked with your interest to further your master all the way to overseas. My inner feeling told me not to let you go.
Yet I cannot be selfish to stop you if you choose to go. If you choose to leave for the betterment of your future, I have no right to stop you. In fact I will let you go as you wish and give you the courage and support to achieve your dreams. I won't comment on your decision whether it is right or wrong. It is also a lover's duty to feel happy and respect your decision.
But if that day really comes, I cannot assure you my nobleness, that my love for you will last till you return. 'Coz without hearing, touch, sight, smell and taste, I have lost most of you. I clearly understand no matter how much I love you now, without those, feeling will change. Gradually if not everything at once. When a year or two pass, no one guarantees how much I will change without you. Future's untold. Do you really think that I can hold you dearly in my heart? Yes I can, if I can still reach you, if I can still hear you.
What confidence do I have to promise that I will not leave you, when you are 4108 miles far away with lacking internet connection, limited calls and different holiday season?
Upon arrival, I hope you will forgive me for ending what we've reached so far. But there's no reason to worry so soon. It's not going to happen in two years. Who knows maybe you won't able to graduate your degree? Who knows if I die before I have the chance to join you in graduation? Who knows you will be doing your master locally? Haha. Sorry for being moody. I should cherish the moment we have, even if it's not long. I love you.
I promise not to emo bout this matter.
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Malaysia. I return only because I miss my family and friends here.
If you bother to mention me in your blog, then I will gladly reply the courtesy by doing the same. Kenji is one of a kind. He is the first friend that I meet as a blogger. A Malaysian who studies in Vancouver, he is very friendly and talkative at the same time. Sometimes I kill my time chatting with him. Though we've met only twice, I am not sure why, his first impression was so respectable that I felt honoured knowing him and I respect him.
Anyway back to Kampar:
First Day (13 Aug)
If it's not Soon Siew Choo to delay the lab test, I would have departed in wee morning. Her undemocratic decision caused me an afternoon journey. North-South Highway was an easy route but with the heavy rain and blur windscreen, it was another story all over. 210 minutes were long enough to reach UTAR Kampar, which included 100km/h, constant rain and dark sky in addition of lost direction several times looking for the proper highway. Nevertheless it was my furthest journey, emerged champion after Sekinchan.
Jino: Saya pelajar UTAR dari KL, datang nak cari lecturer untuk FYP.
Guard 1: You datang buat apa?
Jino: Cari Dr. Teh untuk bincang pasal FYP. Sudah buat appointment. (Cock lies)
Guard 2: Dari KL? Macam mana you datang?
Jino: Dengan kereta la. (The conversation took place when I was still in the car. Dumbasses)
Guard 1: So you ada surat dari lecturer?
Jino: Surat? Takde, kami guna email. (More lies)
Guard 1: Mana boleh macam ni? Sepatutnya ada surat kasi tau sama kami baru kami tau siapa you.
Jino: Dia tak sebut pulak pasal surat. Kami guna email sebab saya dari KL.
Guard 2: Tunggu kejap saya call office.
Jino: Ooo ok. (Shit! I am doomed)
Guard 2: *Waited awhile* Takde orang jawap call la.
Jino: Ooo ya ka? (Relieved)
Guard 1: Sampai bila you mau cari itu lecturer?
Jino: Kejap saja. Lepas habis cakap pasal FYP saya balik la. Sebab kena bincang pasal tu hari ni, kalau tak saya tak boleh start project. Next sem saya akan datang balik tiap-tiap hari.
Guard 1: Then pukul brapa you balik?
Jino: Lebih kurang 5.30 macam tu la. Paling lewat pun pukul 6. (I knew very well I am not leaving till 7 p.m.)
Guard 1: *Swing his hand asked me to enter*
Jino: Tak payah register ka?
Guard 1: Masuk cepat balik cepat.
Jino: Ok ok. *left the guard house*
The conversation sent my time and petrol wasted. I had hard time entering the campus even though I am a UTAR student myself. Dumb uni with tight security.
Walking in the campus looking blur and lost made me a jackass. One glance and everyone knows I am not a student there. Thinking of how to waste 2 hours in an unfamiliar campus, I spread out messages to those I know studying there. Of 6 people, only Sunny replied. We finally met for the first time after knowing each other for 3 years. And I bumped into Edward mainly because he was very eye-attractive at that time. He was standing on a chair in the canteen making funny movements to some students whom I believe are freshmen. We didn't have chance to chat though.
The night was pretty dull and boring. I was asked to attend a meeting but I refused. Instead I laid my ass on a chair in Insommia, hoping to crack something out of Restaurant City. Unfortunately the cc was so poor they didn't install the proper plug-in. However, I get to know that Vincent Chieng and Joshua are studying in UTAR as well. Probably I would meet them next day. And oh yeah Choon Khen finally added me in MSN. More importantly, Eileen called and we chatted for quite long. In the end I offered to send her to uni tomorrow morning, meanwhile hoping to take the chance as a meet up session.
I remembered I was alone that night. He was studying 'coz he had Microbiology test next morning. While I agreed to resort his housemates request - proofread their assignments. Their basics in English is 'splendid', I abandoned my Immunology chapter 6 to have one assignment done in less than a night.
As the night went 'high', the condom I bought earlier was left untouched.
Second day (14 Aug)
Eileen's going to UTAR by herself. That's what I was told. Meaning that I missed the chance of meeting her. Goodbye Eileen.
Expecting Edwin's class to end at 12, I was suppose to meet the remaining friends within the short period. Pei Zhi, See Jeit, Edward, Joshua, Vincent Chieng, Helena. Perhaps we had no fate. The next class was unexpectedly canceled. Yea can go home early. Goodbye my friends. I was not able to meet you all and that's a great loss. However, it was such a coincidence Nicholas Wong managed to slap me in the face before we left the campus. In conclusion, I could only meet 3 people out of 9.
While screeching to old town, I caught a glimpse of the advertisement "Taste the goodness of CB". I choked in laughter but couldn't snap a picture of it. I took the chance to have my haircut in Razor. Same request all the time - cincai, do as you wish, I let you expand your creativity. Throughout the session she complained a lot about my thick hair and my laziness. And the result of RM 15:
Driving back to Kampar was indeed scary at night. The curvy roads without street lights burdened me who have bad eye-sight. The surrounding was pitch black, flashes of cars can cause me dizziness. Adding salt to injury, MY FM had to play 思念是一中病. Oh ya MY FM in Ipoh is 100.6! Thanks to me, I am strong and accident never has its chance.
To wrap up the night, we had lok lok as dinner. The price looked seducing - RM 0.60 per stick. KL? RM 1.20. We checked out the empty funfair too.
I wonder how are his housemates going to repay me. After finished proofreading the last assignment, I intended to rest early but I let the nature took its course. No matter how perfect the day was, an argument was the final touch. To not spoil the trip any further, a simple apology was the trick.
The night was 'high' again, and my condom was again left untouched.
Third Day (15 Aug)
When my eyes opened, he was not beside me anymore. But I knew very well he cannot run away. Based on the fragrance from the kitchen, I knew he's cooking my lunch. It's still considered a bliss even if the beloved one prepare you a tasteless mihun ^^. - edited and added 17 August 2009
After buying a rice cooker at nearby shop, I reluctantly headed back KL where studies awaiting. To save a drop of petrol, I travelled back topless and without air-cond. Gosh! The wind entering through the window definitely felt good on my body. - edited and added 17 August 2009
I enjoyed my days in Kampar very much. In these few days I can observe how your life there is. Without proper dinner, proper sleep, proper care. I am sorry I cannot accompany you 'coz I have to graduate without delay. Deep in my heart I know you are strong and you can make it for me. I am waiting for you.
p/s: I did not bring back any strawberry and curry chicken on my body so stop checking me! - edited and added 17 August 2009
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
She's the only and the last
It's better to write/ talk about what happen next, than to imprint the past that might hurt her if she happens to read.
To heed what Piew advised or to not?
I firstly realize the existence of girls and differences with boys since 13 where genders divide humans into 2 separate worlds. When one study in an all-boy school for 5 years my exposure to opposite sex was extremely restricted. Practically, I never know any girls from other schools. Never had I converse or sit together with them. But I usually greet hello, good morning or ciaoz to the female teachers and mum and aunties - the only females in contact with me. Seriously, no contact with other girls? Seriously, yes.
The number of girls flocked into the hall on the 1st day of Form 6 surprised me lol. They are... A LOT!!! I never see so many girls at one time, not to mention to mix and mingle with them. Soon I realize, I have difficulties to recognize girls, even now. Suzanne, Denise, Amy, Li-Shen... They had their hair tied, wore the same uniforms, heights of equal, they're really indistinguishable at first. After a month or two, I adapted to the surrounding and was able to memorize their faces, mainly because I mixed a lot with them. Form 6, was the first chance I had to know girls. I still wonder, does every gay man develop defective recognition ability such as mine?
To see my friends in deep affiliation to another classmates, hence fragrant lovely aroma slightly dejected me in jealousy while I cannot do anything bout my love life. Being in the closet at that time, I wonder when will my time come? Or how will it come? Will it come in the first place?
End of Form 6 approached, rumours of you liked me roamed wild. Hmm... that's a fresh question to me. A girl like me? Never had in my mind I thought of that. Nah, that's so like not going to happen. Anyway I took that into deep consideration but found rather confusing. Will it work? Do I like you? Am I going to force myself? What will happen next? Am I doing the right move?
Too hard to put my mind into pieces, as they are so random now.
I know I like guys, and you may have suspected as much, I still try hard to straighten myself. Bi, at least if possible. It's quite difficult to be a gay in our stereotype society. I was not openly gay and was still hiding in the dark. By accepting you I give myself a try to become 'normal', at least chances to lead a normal life that all tv shows portray. Don't get me wrong. I did not use this as chance to hide my sexuality, but rather to live straightly. I know my words are not convincing to most of you. I know I am just a pokai who played one's heart and then told her "It's not you whom I love". Dramatic. And that's how you look at me.
Let me be very honest. In the 11 months, I had collision of feelings from happiness saute confusion. Sorrow mix agitation. Adrenaline blend stress. Carefully, I created a distance between the two of us to avoid suspicion of me being gay. Is this love? I always wondered. Do I love you? Or do I just like you? I tried my best in the commitment to maintain the relationship we started but most of the time the questions of sexuality devoured me into guilt. As tv drama always says, love can be nurtured slowly. It may take some time. But how long should I take to nurture? The more I delay the more both of us will be hurt. Should I sacrifice and live the way it was, a straight life at the expense of happiness and freedom? Or should I live the gay way, with another man and hide in darkness? Both decisions are tough. Both require determination and strong will to achieve or maintain. And both will definitely impose damage to either us. Yet I need to decide.
As all of you have understood, I chose the path which no one sees good but I personally think it's the best for me and you. On that night itself I triggered many questions from my friends in surprise following my unexpected break up - "WHY?" - all came at once. Suzanne. Fiona. Chu Chun Hong even scolded me for that. I must had greatly traumatized you. Not long later I realized my biggest mistake to not see your feeling and your sincerity in love. All this while the questions in my head were self-centred to the extent I ignored you, resulting a victim of my sexuality. Remorse's streaming. All I thought were to give it a shot and do my best but unconsciously my selfishness impacted on you bad experience. The betrayal you can see is trivial. What is truly fearsome is the betrayal you can see coming not - Aizen. Somehow, someway I betrayed your trust and instead injected mistrust into you. My indecisive gave you insecurity. What had I done?
Is there need for more elaboration? You suffered because of me. I never come to see this earlier. That's more than a reason for you to hate me. The will to turn straight backfired, not just me but you too are victims (am I also a victim?). I don't want to be victim. It makes me even a more selfish bastard. Ok I am not a victim. It was at much lamented to take the question - "She likes me?" - into consideration. If I never curious, all these might not need to happen.
Chu said I played you, and used you as cover for hiding. You said I am very good in pretending. You both were right. After all, those're what you see happening. During the 11 months, I cared for you and gave my best to be a good boyfriend. However, I think what I had done so far was playing a role of no better than a best friend kind of boyfriend. I totally fail as a boy friend and as a friend. Cover up was not my intention. I wanted to try living a normal life as normal people would, but obviously I failed, miserably. I thought I could give up the very atypical behaviour I have if I put in more determination. Who knows? I lack determination.
The last time we ever crossed words was on Laushu's 2008 birthday. A simple sentence "You need to pay for this juice" and that stunned me. I don't know how she thinks of me now. Maybe time has diluted your hatred? I never reconcile you after we broke apart. Wait! I better not imagine. I think that I may better leave your life alone than to tell you the truth of our break up. It's not important anymore, isn't it? You can continue to live without knowing. Knowing will just flash you back unnecessarily to the memories you wanted to delete so badly. However I want to thank you for giving me a wonderful experience. I am eternally grateful for giving me a wonderful lesson of life. I am sorry for my selfishness, and I am sorry for hurting you towards the end of our relationship. Anyhow, I am still indebt thousand apologies to you.
I once thought, why not try another girl? Don't because of a tree you give up the whole forest. Perhaps she's not the destined? Or perhaps there's a better one yet to be found?
On another thought, I better not. I'm not going to hurt another innocent girl just like what I'd done to you. I learned my lesson. An invaluable one.
After long wind years of doing odd jobs and hurting people, here I am again. Back to square 1 - a gay. After you, I fully understood of what I need. Not a straight path that needs me to pretend forcefully. Nor a bi life that requires me cheating all parties. All I need is a simple love that people like us desire - with a man I can love till death separates us apart.
Last but not least, thank you for reading.
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot