Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Labelled distrust and disappointment

It didn't occur to me that I will write again so soon. I usually write during my free time and definitely will not allow blogging to impede my thesis momentum. However today, as you can see, is an exception.

While everyone rushes back home either to sleep, eat, rest, online or whatever you can think of, I wish to spend my day as long as possible in the library. It is correct to say that the connection in library is faster than mine at home, but that's not relevant. It's my mum, and you can never go wrong by saying I am unhappy to go home.

On Monday morning before I left the house for class, she yelled for me and asked me to stay. Obediently I did.

Did you take my money?
No I did not.
I lost RM 500.
I didn't touch your money.
Did you take my money?
I answered you once and this is second. I did not.
Then who took the money?
I suggest you to ask him (my brother). He took your money many times already. This time may be the same?
She called him and I saw her relieved face right after the talk.
Yea he took the money.
Good. I am leaving.
Lend me your calculator. I want to update the book (own-made mini account book).
I took out my Casio fx-570MS and waited for her.
I am short of RM 100.
I helped her re-calculate and really... Short of RM 100.
Are you the one?

After few minutes of denial, I left the house and didn't take it seriously till I reach home in the evening. Her eyes, her speech and the environment has changed. I still remember the last time I saw these eyes very well 2 years ago. That night, we had some private talk and I was aware of what was it about before we started.

You steal the money.
Why do you not believe in what I said? Which part of NO do you not understand?
I know you well. You are the type of person who will spend all your money on entertainment and think of how to survive later.
You are the type of people who will resort to anything to get what you want.
You are like your dad.
You spend all money in one day and then borrow from other people the next day.
And right now you are accusing me on personality judgement?
I am not wrong. You stole once before and there will be second.
I admit I took your money once but I admited. This time I did not and it wasn't me!
Then who took the money?
He took your money countlessly and why are you not pointing your finger to him?
'Coz he does not steal.
He's not stealing for taking money out from your pocket, while I am stealing for taking out money from your pocket?
Do you think I will only steal RM 100 if I have the chance? I will take everything and left you nothing. That's what I call stealing.
That is how you will become in the future.

We didn't spend much time talking because she already had a conclusion to begin with. The one closest to me at home, the one whom I thought understand me the most and the reason I am at home - turns out to know nothing about me. Little did I know that I am a materialistic in her eyes. Just how many times have I approach her for more cash? Just exactly how do you think I survive with RM 100 a month in KL? You blame me for the loss but have I ever blame you for the money I lost? A bolt of pain shot my heart and I ache all over.

I did what I do best - silent and keep things down.

Do you know? Sometimes as we speak, the more you say the worse the situation turns complicated. Especially people like me of no word. Just like those labels on bottles, when you fail to peel it off completely it leaves undo-able stains. Similarly, the more I want to talk off, the more doubts I am planting. When the bottle is distrustfully labelled, I bottle up my thought and never open this bottle again 'coz I don't not know what kind of explosion it can potentially cause. Bottling up is unhealthy, but making a fuss to tell the world? To me is absurd yet this is exactly what I am doing. This is a family problem that I never want to share but it's here. Shameful. She'll never listen to me, and I never want to explain. It's a misfortune incident like this happens. 家贼难防. And pointing fingers is not my style.

While there are still room for interrogation after an arrest, she conveniently sent the innocence to prison, leaving poor prisoner no right to defend.

This home will not be the same again. Time has return to exactly 2 years ago when I first came out to my mum of my sexuality. Like it or not, currently we are not in talking term again. I lost the last ground I can stand at home.

I fully understand what's done is done and cannot be undone. When it's about dignity, pride and morality, I am very sad when the assets I am proud of are challenged and doubted. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong anymore. Has your bias and prejudice plagued your senses? Trust and honesty are powerless in front of money.

Sorry the post is a bit lengthy. But I request you not to touch on this topic again, ever. Emotion's swinging at the moment. 23 years but labelled in distrust and disappointment. She sent me off the thesis trail where, I landed on blogspot reading everyone's journal instead of I have no home. I belong here.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Oh? It's 2010?

To begin with, let me describe some details last night which is irrelevant to the title today. After chatting in MSN for 1.5 years - 2 years, we were finally ready to meet. I am shy and nervous when meeting anyone for the first time. Last night was no different. First we had dessert and then we switch to Kuchai Lama 24 hours McD. From 11 p.m. conversation live up till 4 a.m. the next morning, or was he the one who hit the initiation button all the time? It was my longest yum cha session I've ever recorded (not trying to be proud). Anyhow, we had a great night just by talking from here to there, this and that. A great friend to have, his name is Christ.

I open my eyes to greet the afternoon blaze as the feverish dream was quickly fading away. No one is home. Scrubbing myself carefully at the same time crooning the cold water that drools down my fat body, I guess today is another hot yet strange day where, I allow strong shower current hit me for more than hour. The shower was undeniably a refreshing start, I am glad the water is cold enough to answer my icy lust.

My itchy hand conveniently grab the nearest item, while my eyes are locked on the blank screen. It is a calender I got hold. It has many red crosses drawn on it. The last mark was crossed on September 29th, a day before my last paper of Year 3 Sem 1. You might think what I do next is stupid, but I do it anyway. I continue mark crosses on the overdue dates to make it an updated calender. Not until I reach the end of calender:

Oh? It's 2010 already?

What am I talking about? It's almost a month passed new year. New sem has begun. FYP has ended. Yet, due the insufficient holidays, I grieve for his departure to Kampar. Everything sums to the self-involuntary, not-biological-recognized 2010. ARGHH!!! How can I possibly lay back at time like this?

2010 will be a big year to me. First of all, I am expecting a graduation mid of this year. Don't congratulate me yet. If everything is according to plan (if I don't fail any paper), I would not end up in Kampar for repeat. For that to happen, I need to excel in my final papers as well as my thesis and oral presentation. I could not possibly rest without putting a good fight. The first thing I must achieve in 2010 is my graduation! All other priorities are secondary to victory! Go die, internet. Go die you Bleach. Go die MSN. Go die dating. Nothing can stop me from putting on my graduation robe. Nothing will.

Secondly, 2010 will be the year I officially enter the working field*. I love political struggles in the company while remaining a neutral by-stander (Evil me). 2010 will mark the year I first receive my pay as well (part time pay was not considered real money). This is very important 'coz next aims are very relevant to my pay. Considering how much my salary is, displayed are some features of how the money's roughly allocated on:

a) Dermatologist comes first because I want to get rid of my acne and scars. Only then I am worth a normal man.
b) Belanja those who belanja me before. Both sides of parents are compulsory. Other than that, neh, the one been to Fusion Haven with me. Neh, the one who treat me steamboat in Puchong. Tau tau la siapa tu, expect a meal from me!
c) Enrol to a gym to build up my body. I don't expect to have a voluptuous body  in a day or month . But tummy is no way acceptable and I will fight hard for my body. Money will be my discipline teacher.

Those are about my resolution, wishes or must for 2010. Realistic enough, aren't they? Given enough time and cash, I will come out with more plans. Above are some that I must achieve at all cost and Happy 2010!

*Will be considered null and voided if I change my mind to pursue my master (if available and applicable).

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Paradoxical choices

Nothing is more repulsive than desperation for internet when Edwin finally terminated his Streamyx in the late December. Life without internet is hellish tough. And it is also appropriate to say that a replacement is urgently necessary since deadline for my thesis is quickly catching up.

Cut long story short. Among the available options, I thought DiGi offers the cheapest and the most considerable speed. Only after subscribing I realized that I was horribly mistaken.

Just to be fair, DiGi broadband offers super high speed connection. Unfortunately my area is not entitled for broadband yet thus I am limited to EDGE, the turtle-speed connection. My bad. Although the highest speed for EDGE is 236.8kbps, my connection never crosses 100kbps. Sometimes 4kbps. Sometimes 3kbps. Sometimes 10kbps. To load a page like Eric Takashi’s blog takes about 20 minutes, provided there is no disconnection.  Sign in MSN takes longer than expected, troubleshoots unresolved at certain times.

Moreover, every click counts. With the 3gb limit, the downloading statistic quickly touching the limit. As if I watch myself burning money to keep the bonfire alive for some warmness in the cold jungle.

That is also why I change my blog template to one simplistic - fewer images, less flashes and less loading time.

Because of this I’ve lost the very passion to read blogs I followed and bookmarked as well as blog hopping. When I want to leave a comment, either it takes 10 minutes to load the page, or is interrupted by disconnection. Then I have to start over again for the same result. Dulan.

The first thing I click on Firefox is my blog. Despite the adverse I am currently facing, checking out happy stories of their new relationship is really worth to wait for. Really, I feel delighted reading their blogs though the waiting time to leave comment can be annoying. Wish you all luck and keep it up. They give me hope that we too can return to how we began, even when our love has already aged to 2. I could not contain my excitement and dying to resurrect the romantic season. But how?

Choosing DiGi may be a bad move, but times are tough without internet. Should I switch? What to switch?

On an unrelated story, Edwin left to Kampar again.

I am leaving soon.
YES! That’s good.
Won’t you feel sad or something?
Why should I? It’s merdeka for me I would say.
*Turn his back on me*
*Hug him from his back*

We are again separated on a long distance relationship. While there are many reasons to be sad, I don't want him to look back and start missing KL. Why not cast a smile before he leaves? If I cannot control my emotion for this simple reason, he who is already heavy-heartened will not leave this place peacefully. The least I can do is to assure my happiness here without him physically. I don’t have to say it loud for him to know how much I miss him, right?

[Jino] – A man’s not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Happy Cotton Anniversary!

First post of the year, which was written in rush. Distracted by screams of DOTA players in cyber cafe, I wrote this post with undetermined mixed emotions.

January 09 2010

The title sucks haha. In case you could not remember the entry I posted 365 days ago today, check here and you'll remember how important today means to us. The previous was a closeted one. I shall no longer hide in shadow. Reach out the hand and touch the light. What if others found out? I'd proudly tell. Instead of blogging of how we spent the big day like everyone does, allow me to trail the road not taken by expressing my feeling in commemoration to date.

你们gay佬变心还厉害过女人换衣 (You gays switch partners more 'geng' than women change their clothes).

Remarked dad of a friend of mine. His eyes are loathingly filled.

Splendidly said. His comment is strictly accurate. His words are no crude. I didn't think he is insulting any of us. Personally I believe he is right in every senses.

I have witnessed many who have failed their relationship. Disheartened for days, they resort to switching.
Jino: Hei how's your weekend?
Fag: Fine. I am meeting my bf later at his college.
Jino: College? Isn't he working?
Fag: Who are you talking about?
Jino: You and Sausage Jockey?
Fag: That was over. I am now with Penis Phantom.
Jino: Ish again you change? Why was I not updated yesterday?
Fag: You were not here this morning.
Jino: =.= *haunting silence*
For the switching frequency is so high, I would not be surprised if you are not able to keep up with updates from your friends. So it's ok if you are left out of the picture over time. After all, this is daily news I am talking about. Their stories can never be long enough to make into monthy or annual magazine. When the same person came to me telling 3 stories of different characters in a month, I can say something must be wrong with him. Overtime, I lost the feel and heart to save him. I've exhausted all my opinions. As a friend I cannot do much. Clearly, isn't it boring to find that your advice are just not useful to him? To see your friend as drama king as they are, I can't help disheartened.

They may be the most pleasant and mature guys you've ever met. But you'll never fail to notice the true personalities of these drama kings and queens once they come to love. He may say "Dear I love you forever" today. But you will find him spilling the same phrase at other guys the very next day. Mind you, I was exactly a bastard like that, once. Ok thrice. Sorry.

What mind do you have when someone propose to you? What pinnacle can we reach if the love only last a day? Why the drastic change?

One could not escape fate. I was caught up in misfortune of sort thrice in a quarter year. Not as exciting as theirs though. I do feel bad once a while but now I had little remorse compared to 2 years ago.

What meaning does love represent to the human of diversity?
  1. Love as what we have for our children.
  2. Love that melts, that talks, that walks and that obsessed.
  3. When the great sex dies, that's the end of love.
  4. To love someone more than yourself, or to love yourself more than anyone?
  5. Fanatics who dedicated their unrequited love for God.
  6. Love is there when you need it.
To they, who believe to never love a love that hurts and never hurt a love that loves - then why break and end?

I remember over the pomegranate dessert me and Kenji had the other day. He said: They (exclude the both of us) who have no marriage, no babies, no family as the source of commitment, behave promiscuously. The relationships are very shallow and uncommitted even if they do form. Absence of commitment to shape the relationship is, thus unable to form long term relationship. What are their goals in the relationship? Not the exact words he spat out that night but is something like this.

But I would like to move on from here. When we are dating, finding out that we've the chemistry we call 'love' is wonderful and addictive. One can feel the rush of hormones and delight of affection, but the feelings shift with the passage of time. Many people like us are selfish and immature, trying to avoid the grown up process of making choices that relationships require. He has his life compartmentalized, he seems less communicative, pays less attention - you feel ignored and resentful. Things start to feel stagnant. The warmth may not be as intense as it was at first. The excitement burns out itself and it is a matter of weeks or months it's gone. Hence, the romantic season is so-called over. And it may take a long time to wake up to the reality that the relationship is going no where. And it is sometimes hard for dating couples to understand exactly where they are in the journey of exploration and commitment.

Generally there is no difference in both homo and hetero besides the level of occurrence. Gay relationship shows more prominent trend. Break and rekindle, break and new partner, break and die. Obviously more flaws. I don't mean heteros don't break, but not as much as homos. In case you have not realized, homos are flower heart.

So the dad of my friend is right. We keep changing constantly in search of a suitable partner where source of commitment is lacking. We are nothing more than jumping on the same spot.

While my love is not just a sentiment or feeling, but is also a choice. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with death.

There is nothing noble in me to believe everything in love. Occasionally I succumbed into impression that one day I will end up like them. Separate due to lack of commitment and responsibility. Or feeling evaporates. Lost of touch. Or mainly misunderstanding among the both of us. But I know very well. It is our responsibility to seek the source of commitment that will hold us strong. The commitment which dances to honour our partnership while not losing our sense of individuality. We are no different from the 3 months of romantic season if neither us do anything.

I know too. This might be quite a challenge when emotions are close to the surface. For this reason we fell into the trap of avoiding conflicts. Who doesn't understand the fact that avoiding conflict often results in storing up resentment and grievances? One or both start withdrawing and it begins to fade.

If anyone can, please answer: What are you expecting from the relationship you started? Is it marriage? Is it baby? Or is it just a customary step to follow?

What if I am stingy and I choose to live alone?

I started to ask myself. What is there for us to achieve in our relationship? What am I seeking from you? Where is the root of our love? Or easier - How to maintain the word call love?

It is true that the opposite attracts but it is common that unites. Ability to communicate feelings. Compatible attitude. Time investment. Without these love is not enough, no matter how much we want it to be. Remember that a commitment more likely to mean something if it's freely offered and not given because your partner feels intimidated. And so be reminded not to be fooled by Beatles' 'All You Need Is Love'.

My previous relationships ended on my accord. There was no once I was dumped, because I dumped them first. The feel of being dumped, I have never felt. I would not want to try either. Therefore I clearly know that I have no right to say what I want to say next. But no matter what the circumstances are, I hope that friends who have fallen in relationship will not choose to give up. It is important to believe in the word love despite the disappointment you experienced in every relationship. It may be an uneventful incident comes with sacrifices but in long run it'll the crucial element that serves great memory and experience for your next journey. And most importantly, you get to strengthen your heart and learn to draw lines from hypocritical people. Sorry again I have no right to say such thing. I for one believe that love is the one thing that can overcome so many of the difficult times that we are faced with in life.

Trying to scratch my head to pull this out, I have no answer to what I've come up to myself. On a lighter note, few friends have actually found their loved ones and I am so happy for them. Sendiri tau tau la...

True love is like a cotton pillow. Be it happy or unhappy events, we share the stories at night before sleep. Feel painful? You cry and pillow never fails to absorb every drop of tears. Angry? Bite him, kick him or throw him and he will return to you. You can't sleep without him at night. You miss him if you lose him. Hug him and smile to sleep. That's some wonders a pillow can bring to you. Sorry I am trying hard to connect cotton and love. Single? Spend few bucks and invest yourself a pillow. At least till you find a lover.

I apologize for the grievances I caused for the past few months. Neither of us were good under pressured long distance. Gradually I have developed intolerance. I'm so dense. But rest assured. I will change. Changes that will lead us a betterment. Changes to what we deem best. Behaviors must change to facilitate relationship. I will relent. I will tolerate. I will control my emotion. And I hope you will do the same for me. For us. I couldn't really come out a reason to be with you. All in mind is none other than to be with you. If I hope my instinct has good sense of direction, I hope my instinct will not disappoint me. It will lead me to you and to our future.

Everything is summed to the call of determination, never a responsibility.

I tried very hard to make this a short one, as people start complaining my long winding, deviating, random and contradicting thoughts. My bad. I went out of control each time I write about thoughts. Others might find it difficult to understand this entry. Because I wrote it in a random chronology, and most importantly they do not know me entirely.

If there is anyone who understand me, it would be you the most. You, who know me in and out and upside down; You, who was by my side when I was lost and lowest in my life - I dedicate this entry to. Do you remember the drafts I saved in my cell which you so eager to look at before I could snatch it from you? Yes the unforgettable night we quarrel and cried. Yes they are here now. They are dated back to 2008. Combination of all the 98 drafts were put into this. But I doubt you will read this right away and thus the first comment is not expected from you.

As I said, I will show you my gratitude for accepting me as your bf despite all my weaknesses. Thank you for enriching my life throughout the 2 years.

Happy Cotton Anniversary and please take care in Kampar.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot