Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Labelled distrust and disappointment

It didn't occur to me that I will write again so soon. I usually write during my free time and definitely will not allow blogging to impede my thesis momentum. However today, as you can see, is an exception.

While everyone rushes back home either to sleep, eat, rest, online or whatever you can think of, I wish to spend my day as long as possible in the library. It is correct to say that the connection in library is faster than mine at home, but that's not relevant. It's my mum, and you can never go wrong by saying I am unhappy to go home.

On Monday morning before I left the house for class, she yelled for me and asked me to stay. Obediently I did.

Did you take my money?
No I did not.
I lost RM 500.
I didn't touch your money.
Did you take my money?
I answered you once and this is second. I did not.
Then who took the money?
I suggest you to ask him (my brother). He took your money many times already. This time may be the same?
She called him and I saw her relieved face right after the talk.
Yea he took the money.
Good. I am leaving.
Lend me your calculator. I want to update the book (own-made mini account book).
I took out my Casio fx-570MS and waited for her.
I am short of RM 100.
I helped her re-calculate and really... Short of RM 100.
Are you the one?

After few minutes of denial, I left the house and didn't take it seriously till I reach home in the evening. Her eyes, her speech and the environment has changed. I still remember the last time I saw these eyes very well 2 years ago. That night, we had some private talk and I was aware of what was it about before we started.

You steal the money.
Why do you not believe in what I said? Which part of NO do you not understand?
I know you well. You are the type of person who will spend all your money on entertainment and think of how to survive later.
You are the type of people who will resort to anything to get what you want.
You are like your dad.
You spend all money in one day and then borrow from other people the next day.
And right now you are accusing me on personality judgement?
I am not wrong. You stole once before and there will be second.
I admit I took your money once but I admited. This time I did not and it wasn't me!
Then who took the money?
He took your money countlessly and why are you not pointing your finger to him?
'Coz he does not steal.
He's not stealing for taking money out from your pocket, while I am stealing for taking out money from your pocket?
Do you think I will only steal RM 100 if I have the chance? I will take everything and left you nothing. That's what I call stealing.
That is how you will become in the future.

We didn't spend much time talking because she already had a conclusion to begin with. The one closest to me at home, the one whom I thought understand me the most and the reason I am at home - turns out to know nothing about me. Little did I know that I am a materialistic in her eyes. Just how many times have I approach her for more cash? Just exactly how do you think I survive with RM 100 a month in KL? You blame me for the loss but have I ever blame you for the money I lost? A bolt of pain shot my heart and I ache all over.

I did what I do best - silent and keep things down.

Do you know? Sometimes as we speak, the more you say the worse the situation turns complicated. Especially people like me of no word. Just like those labels on bottles, when you fail to peel it off completely it leaves undo-able stains. Similarly, the more I want to talk off, the more doubts I am planting. When the bottle is distrustfully labelled, I bottle up my thought and never open this bottle again 'coz I don't not know what kind of explosion it can potentially cause. Bottling up is unhealthy, but making a fuss to tell the world? To me is absurd yet this is exactly what I am doing. This is a family problem that I never want to share but it's here. Shameful. She'll never listen to me, and I never want to explain. It's a misfortune incident like this happens. 家贼难防. And pointing fingers is not my style.

While there are still room for interrogation after an arrest, she conveniently sent the innocence to prison, leaving poor prisoner no right to defend.

This home will not be the same again. Time has return to exactly 2 years ago when I first came out to my mum of my sexuality. Like it or not, currently we are not in talking term again. I lost the last ground I can stand at home.

I fully understand what's done is done and cannot be undone. When it's about dignity, pride and morality, I am very sad when the assets I am proud of are challenged and doubted. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong anymore. Has your bias and prejudice plagued your senses? Trust and honesty are powerless in front of money.

Sorry the post is a bit lengthy. But I request you not to touch on this topic again, ever. Emotion's swinging at the moment. 23 years but labelled in distrust and disappointment. She sent me off the thesis trail where, I landed on blogspot reading everyone's journal instead of I have no home. I belong here.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot