Wednesday, February 3, 2010

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I don't remember when was the last I feel what I currently feel right now. Is this my first time to emo, which explains why I couldn't cope this well? Or is it my inability to clear things up?
  • My mum and I were not in talking terms. I passively layan her whenever she talked to me.
  • But few days ago, my tongue slipped. After remaining quiet in the house for 3 days, my heart softened. I started to talk to her again.
  • Here I thought things are back to normal.
  • Yesterday she mentioned it again. I felt so down and called it a day at 8 p.m. without dinner.
  • Today when I came home early from classes, she showed me a disgusted face. Yea, she might felt uneasy with my presence at home 'coz my return had disturbed the baby's sleep.
  • So? I am not suppose to come home after class, yea?
  • I know. I will stay in library. Stay in uni. Anywhere but not home.
  • Fine. I took my bath and fell asleep after some cry.
  • 3 hours later my phone rang and woke the baby up. Angrily she threw my phone at me and asked me to shut it up.
  • I walked out the room for a second bath. She saw my red eyes but could not come out with anything.
  • "Did someone extort you for money?" is what she could ask.
  • "No" is my answer. Short and simple.
  • I ripped open a Lot10 Sour+ from Kok Fai and popped it into my mouth. Shockingly the taste was awfully plain. Then I reached my hands on susu pekat and tasted it. I tasted a pinch of salt directly with my tongue.
  • Oh no. Tasteless.
  • The dinner just now was rather fast and quiet. I took cili padi to confirm the lost of taste bud.
  • This might due to some kind of mental disorder. I know I will be fine once I cool down. I am in deep shit if I don't fix this.
  • Or rather, on the positive side, everything tastes the same and I won't have a picky tongue anymore.
  • Nevertheless, the root of the problem is not solved.
  • Clear the mist is not my specialty. I will only make it more cloudy.
  • I wish I can go out of this house. Stay at someone's house or talk to someone. Or cry at someone and get some comfort.
  • I can't. 'Coz I don't have anyone nearby.
  • And I still have to uphold certain responsibilities as a son and as a lover.
  • Previously, I intoxicated myself with the abundant thesis workloads.
  • What do I have left now?
  • An umang-umang has a choice to leave its shell as it likes. I don't. Not now.
  • If I have a laptop, I will not choose to write at home.
  • The risk of being caught crying at home is high.
  • I know I won't cry outside.
  • And DiGi broadband is bullying me.
I have accumulating blogs to read from weeks but I could not gather myself to do what I like. I am disordered. I want to shout. I want to bite.

Not in a mood to write good things like I usually do. Bad content, bad choice of words. Forgive me. I don't have place to pour out my feelings. I am sad at the same time hate myself is over sensitive? MSN is not a good choice 'coz I have unstable connection.

I cannot wait for next Friday to come. He is coming back. I have a lot to tell him. The problem is how long more can I stay conscious?

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot