Sunday, January 10, 2010

Happy Cotton Anniversary!

First post of the year, which was written in rush. Distracted by screams of DOTA players in cyber cafe, I wrote this post with undetermined mixed emotions.

January 09 2010

The title sucks haha. In case you could not remember the entry I posted 365 days ago today, check here and you'll remember how important today means to us. The previous was a closeted one. I shall no longer hide in shadow. Reach out the hand and touch the light. What if others found out? I'd proudly tell. Instead of blogging of how we spent the big day like everyone does, allow me to trail the road not taken by expressing my feeling in commemoration to date.

你们gay佬变心还厉害过女人换衣 (You gays switch partners more 'geng' than women change their clothes).

Remarked dad of a friend of mine. His eyes are loathingly filled.

Splendidly said. His comment is strictly accurate. His words are no crude. I didn't think he is insulting any of us. Personally I believe he is right in every senses.

I have witnessed many who have failed their relationship. Disheartened for days, they resort to switching.
Jino: Hei how's your weekend?
Fag: Fine. I am meeting my bf later at his college.
Jino: College? Isn't he working?
Fag: Who are you talking about?
Jino: You and Sausage Jockey?
Fag: That was over. I am now with Penis Phantom.
Jino: Ish again you change? Why was I not updated yesterday?
Fag: You were not here this morning.
Jino: =.= *haunting silence*
For the switching frequency is so high, I would not be surprised if you are not able to keep up with updates from your friends. So it's ok if you are left out of the picture over time. After all, this is daily news I am talking about. Their stories can never be long enough to make into monthy or annual magazine. When the same person came to me telling 3 stories of different characters in a month, I can say something must be wrong with him. Overtime, I lost the feel and heart to save him. I've exhausted all my opinions. As a friend I cannot do much. Clearly, isn't it boring to find that your advice are just not useful to him? To see your friend as drama king as they are, I can't help disheartened.

They may be the most pleasant and mature guys you've ever met. But you'll never fail to notice the true personalities of these drama kings and queens once they come to love. He may say "Dear I love you forever" today. But you will find him spilling the same phrase at other guys the very next day. Mind you, I was exactly a bastard like that, once. Ok thrice. Sorry.

What mind do you have when someone propose to you? What pinnacle can we reach if the love only last a day? Why the drastic change?

One could not escape fate. I was caught up in misfortune of sort thrice in a quarter year. Not as exciting as theirs though. I do feel bad once a while but now I had little remorse compared to 2 years ago.

What meaning does love represent to the human of diversity?
  1. Love as what we have for our children.
  2. Love that melts, that talks, that walks and that obsessed.
  3. When the great sex dies, that's the end of love.
  4. To love someone more than yourself, or to love yourself more than anyone?
  5. Fanatics who dedicated their unrequited love for God.
  6. Love is there when you need it.
To they, who believe to never love a love that hurts and never hurt a love that loves - then why break and end?

I remember over the pomegranate dessert me and Kenji had the other day. He said: They (exclude the both of us) who have no marriage, no babies, no family as the source of commitment, behave promiscuously. The relationships are very shallow and uncommitted even if they do form. Absence of commitment to shape the relationship is, thus unable to form long term relationship. What are their goals in the relationship? Not the exact words he spat out that night but is something like this.

But I would like to move on from here. When we are dating, finding out that we've the chemistry we call 'love' is wonderful and addictive. One can feel the rush of hormones and delight of affection, but the feelings shift with the passage of time. Many people like us are selfish and immature, trying to avoid the grown up process of making choices that relationships require. He has his life compartmentalized, he seems less communicative, pays less attention - you feel ignored and resentful. Things start to feel stagnant. The warmth may not be as intense as it was at first. The excitement burns out itself and it is a matter of weeks or months it's gone. Hence, the romantic season is so-called over. And it may take a long time to wake up to the reality that the relationship is going no where. And it is sometimes hard for dating couples to understand exactly where they are in the journey of exploration and commitment.

Generally there is no difference in both homo and hetero besides the level of occurrence. Gay relationship shows more prominent trend. Break and rekindle, break and new partner, break and die. Obviously more flaws. I don't mean heteros don't break, but not as much as homos. In case you have not realized, homos are flower heart.

So the dad of my friend is right. We keep changing constantly in search of a suitable partner where source of commitment is lacking. We are nothing more than jumping on the same spot.

While my love is not just a sentiment or feeling, but is also a choice. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with death.

There is nothing noble in me to believe everything in love. Occasionally I succumbed into impression that one day I will end up like them. Separate due to lack of commitment and responsibility. Or feeling evaporates. Lost of touch. Or mainly misunderstanding among the both of us. But I know very well. It is our responsibility to seek the source of commitment that will hold us strong. The commitment which dances to honour our partnership while not losing our sense of individuality. We are no different from the 3 months of romantic season if neither us do anything.

I know too. This might be quite a challenge when emotions are close to the surface. For this reason we fell into the trap of avoiding conflicts. Who doesn't understand the fact that avoiding conflict often results in storing up resentment and grievances? One or both start withdrawing and it begins to fade.

If anyone can, please answer: What are you expecting from the relationship you started? Is it marriage? Is it baby? Or is it just a customary step to follow?

What if I am stingy and I choose to live alone?

I started to ask myself. What is there for us to achieve in our relationship? What am I seeking from you? Where is the root of our love? Or easier - How to maintain the word call love?

It is true that the opposite attracts but it is common that unites. Ability to communicate feelings. Compatible attitude. Time investment. Without these love is not enough, no matter how much we want it to be. Remember that a commitment more likely to mean something if it's freely offered and not given because your partner feels intimidated. And so be reminded not to be fooled by Beatles' 'All You Need Is Love'.

My previous relationships ended on my accord. There was no once I was dumped, because I dumped them first. The feel of being dumped, I have never felt. I would not want to try either. Therefore I clearly know that I have no right to say what I want to say next. But no matter what the circumstances are, I hope that friends who have fallen in relationship will not choose to give up. It is important to believe in the word love despite the disappointment you experienced in every relationship. It may be an uneventful incident comes with sacrifices but in long run it'll the crucial element that serves great memory and experience for your next journey. And most importantly, you get to strengthen your heart and learn to draw lines from hypocritical people. Sorry again I have no right to say such thing. I for one believe that love is the one thing that can overcome so many of the difficult times that we are faced with in life.

Trying to scratch my head to pull this out, I have no answer to what I've come up to myself. On a lighter note, few friends have actually found their loved ones and I am so happy for them. Sendiri tau tau la...

True love is like a cotton pillow. Be it happy or unhappy events, we share the stories at night before sleep. Feel painful? You cry and pillow never fails to absorb every drop of tears. Angry? Bite him, kick him or throw him and he will return to you. You can't sleep without him at night. You miss him if you lose him. Hug him and smile to sleep. That's some wonders a pillow can bring to you. Sorry I am trying hard to connect cotton and love. Single? Spend few bucks and invest yourself a pillow. At least till you find a lover.

I apologize for the grievances I caused for the past few months. Neither of us were good under pressured long distance. Gradually I have developed intolerance. I'm so dense. But rest assured. I will change. Changes that will lead us a betterment. Changes to what we deem best. Behaviors must change to facilitate relationship. I will relent. I will tolerate. I will control my emotion. And I hope you will do the same for me. For us. I couldn't really come out a reason to be with you. All in mind is none other than to be with you. If I hope my instinct has good sense of direction, I hope my instinct will not disappoint me. It will lead me to you and to our future.

Everything is summed to the call of determination, never a responsibility.

I tried very hard to make this a short one, as people start complaining my long winding, deviating, random and contradicting thoughts. My bad. I went out of control each time I write about thoughts. Others might find it difficult to understand this entry. Because I wrote it in a random chronology, and most importantly they do not know me entirely.

If there is anyone who understand me, it would be you the most. You, who know me in and out and upside down; You, who was by my side when I was lost and lowest in my life - I dedicate this entry to. Do you remember the drafts I saved in my cell which you so eager to look at before I could snatch it from you? Yes the unforgettable night we quarrel and cried. Yes they are here now. They are dated back to 2008. Combination of all the 98 drafts were put into this. But I doubt you will read this right away and thus the first comment is not expected from you.

As I said, I will show you my gratitude for accepting me as your bf despite all my weaknesses. Thank you for enriching my life throughout the 2 years.

Happy Cotton Anniversary and please take care in Kampar.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot