Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Close up to open out (Part 2)

Related post:
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

She's the only and the last

It's better to write/ talk about what happen next, than to imprint the past that might hurt her if she happens to read.

To heed what Piew advised or to not?

I firstly realize the existence of girls and differences with boys since 13 where genders divide humans into 2 separate worlds. When one study in an all-boy school for 5 years my exposure to opposite sex was extremely restricted. Practically, I never know any girls from other schools. Never had I converse or sit together with them. But I usually greet hello, good morning or ciaoz to the female teachers and mum and aunties - the only females in contact with me. Seriously, no contact with other girls? Seriously, yes.

The number of girls flocked into the hall on the 1st day of Form 6 surprised me lol. They are... A LOT!!! I never see so many girls at one time, not to mention to mix and mingle with them. Soon I realize, I have difficulties to recognize girls, even now. Suzanne, Denise, Amy, Li-Shen... They had their hair tied, wore the same uniforms, heights of equal, they're really indistinguishable at first. After a month or two, I adapted to the surrounding and was able to memorize their faces, mainly because I mixed a lot with them. Form 6, was the first chance I had to know girls. I still wonder, does every gay man develop defective recognition ability such as mine?

To see my friends in deep affiliation to another classmates, hence fragrant lovely aroma slightly dejected me in jealousy while I cannot do anything bout my love life. Being in the closet at that time, I wonder when will my time come? Or how will it come? Will it come in the first place?

End of Form 6 approached, rumours of you liked me roamed wild. Hmm... that's a fresh question to me. A girl like me? Never had in my mind I thought of that. Nah, that's so like not going to happen. Anyway I took that into deep consideration but found rather confusing. Will it work? Do I like you? Am I going to force myself? What will happen next? Am I doing the right move?

Too hard to put my mind into pieces, as they are so random now.

I know I like guys, and you may have suspected as much, I still try hard to straighten myself. Bi, at least if possible. It's quite difficult to be a gay in our stereotype society. I was not openly gay and was still hiding in the dark. By accepting you I give myself a try to become 'normal', at least chances to lead a normal life that all tv shows portray. Don't get me wrong. I did not use this as chance to hide my sexuality, but rather to live straightly. I know my words are not convincing to most of you. I know I am just a pokai who played one's heart and then told her "It's not you whom I love". Dramatic. And that's how you look at me.

Let me be very honest. In the 11 months, I had collision of feelings from happiness saute confusion. Sorrow mix agitation. Adrenaline blend stress. Carefully, I created a distance between the two of us to avoid suspicion of me being gay. Is this love? I always wondered. Do I love you? Or do I just like you? I tried my best in the commitment to maintain the relationship we started but most of the time the questions of sexuality devoured me into guilt. As tv drama always says, love can be nurtured slowly. It may take some time. But how long should I take to nurture? The more I delay the more both of us will be hurt. Should I sacrifice and live the way it was, a straight life at the expense of happiness and freedom? Or should I live the gay way, with another man and hide in darkness? Both decisions are tough. Both require determination and strong will to achieve or maintain. And both will definitely impose damage to either us. Yet I need to decide.

As all of you have understood, I chose the path which no one sees good but I personally think it's the best for me and you. On that night itself I triggered many questions from my friends in surprise following my unexpected break up - "WHY?" - all came at once. Suzanne. Fiona. Chu Chun Hong even scolded me for that. I must had greatly traumatized you. Not long later I realized my biggest mistake to not see your feeling and your sincerity in love. All this while the questions in my head were self-centred to the extent I ignored you, resulting a victim of my sexuality. Remorse's streaming. All I thought were to give it a shot and do my best but unconsciously my selfishness impacted on you bad experience. The betrayal you can see is trivial. What is truly fearsome is the betrayal you can see coming not - Aizen. Somehow, someway I betrayed your trust and instead injected mistrust into you. My indecisive gave you insecurity. What had I done?

Is there need for more elaboration? You suffered because of me. I never come to see this earlier. That's more than a reason for you to hate me. The will to turn straight backfired, not just me but you too are victims (am I also a victim?). I don't want to be victim. It makes me even a more selfish bastard. Ok I am not a victim. It was at much lamented to take the question - "She likes me?" - into consideration. If I never curious, all these might not need to happen.

Chu said I played you, and used you as cover for hiding. You said I am very good in pretending. You both were right. After all, those're what you see happening. During the 11 months, I cared for you and gave my best to be a good boyfriend. However, I think what I had done so far was playing a role of no better than a best friend kind of boyfriend. I totally fail as a boy friend and as a friend. Cover up was not my intention. I wanted to try living a normal life as normal people would, but obviously I failed, miserably. I thought I could give up the very atypical behaviour I have if I put in more determination. Who knows? I lack determination.

The last time we ever crossed words was on Laushu's 2008 birthday. A simple sentence "You need to pay for this juice" and that stunned me. I don't know how she thinks of me now. Maybe time has diluted your hatred? I never reconcile you after we broke apart. Wait! I better not imagine. I think that I may better leave your life alone than to tell you the truth of our break up. It's not important anymore, isn't it? You can continue to live without knowing. Knowing will just flash you back unnecessarily to the memories you wanted to delete so badly. However I want to thank you for giving me a wonderful experience. I am eternally grateful for giving me a wonderful lesson of life. I am sorry for my selfishness, and I am sorry for hurting you towards the end of our relationship. Anyhow, I am still indebt thousand apologies to you.

I once thought, why not try another girl? Don't because of a tree you give up the whole forest. Perhaps she's not the destined? Or perhaps there's a better one yet to be found?

On another thought, I better not. I'm not going to hurt another innocent girl just like what I'd done to you. I learned my lesson. An invaluable one.

After long wind years of doing odd jobs and hurting people, here I am again. Back to square 1 - a gay. After you, I fully understood of what I need. Not a straight path that needs me to pretend forcefully. Nor a bi life that requires me cheating all parties. All I need is a simple love that people like us desire - with a man I can love till death separates us apart.

Last but not least, thank you for reading.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot