Saturday, March 6, 2010

Close up to open out (Part 3)

Related post:

Curious is never a love

There are many saying that goes with love:
Love blinds.
A man falls in love through his eyes.
Love doesn't make the world go around. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
and many more. Amidst many quotes from the shelf, there was a lot of time I believe "Flash love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity " best describes what I am about to write today.

Those who remember will remember the Facebook test I created long ago. Titled "How much do you know about Jino", it comprises 10 questions. If my memory serves me correctly, among the 12 candidates, 10 were shocked to answer question 4 wrongly. Question 4 was:

How many ex(es) did Jino have (before May 2009)?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4

Those who answered a) were shocked to realize they got the answer wrong. Sorry for them. Then I was cornered and was forced to reveal the truth. I didn't hint them any clear indication, but they are not stupid to not suspect.

The truth is, 2 weeks after my first (also the last) gf, I entered another relationship. With who? KC's the name. Fast? I agree too. You wouldn't expect me to tell the whole story of how we started, 'coz I don't feel like telling you anyway. The story behind the truth was shameful. I personally think I lost my coolness that day and... I couldn't believe myself being so cheap for allowing that to happen on our first meet. It wasn't that bad as you think , but I feel very low and inappropriate. 'Love at first sight? We started dating immediately. Instant magnetism? Sounds so wrong, isn't it?

The first month was a complete romance, probably the same as everyone else. We were separated by 50km between mine and his place but distance was not a hindrance. We were tied by his hectic schedule but it didn't stop us. Phone calls were limited but I sacrificed my dad's phone. We talked, we cooked, we slept, we walked, we watched. We tried and experimented almost everything for fresh love we'd just started.

At first I didn't mind spending more on petrol to drive to his place. He had financial crisis and I understand that much. He is a good son and I comprehend his difficulties. Everything I did was for him and very little was for myself. I even lost a lot of my time away from my family. It felt so good on the first month but all that fun came with a price.

For variety of reasons, it is possible to tolerate the romantic season, even if it means to spend on my loan and travel an hour on MRR2 just for a glimpse of his face. Oh sure, soon I learned people have limit. The magic behind the romance was slowly on the wane. From phone calls everyday we cut down to none. From sms 24/7 we reduced to only a morning sms and goodnight sms. From meeting almost everyday we limit ourselves to 1 hour once every 2 weeks. I heard very little contact back from him. Were we on a break? Was love so much for him that he needed holidays after the romantic season?

When I said "love you forever", I thought I could fight to clear up to that limit. Suddenly I was wondering whether I was receiving equal amount of affection back. I was horribly mistaken. I'd done enough. Warning: Never say "I love you forever" even if you terribly love someone. That will be the hardest word retractable in man's history.

Not only that he did not share his problems with me, he made me feel I was another burden to him. I called him but he did not pick up my phone. When he did, he could only say his mum was watching and not convenient for further conversation. He had serious health and family problems. I tried my hardest to help as a bf but... he wouldn't open up for me and chose to bottle up his problems. If the stress pressured on him was unbearable, why didn't he come to me for help? Or was the pressure so strong that he did not want me get involved? Or was there no way I could at least in any help? The hardest part of this was knowing that I loved him and thought I would carry on loving him, but now standing on a crossroad pondering moments of thinking of did I ever love him. I stood confused and heart broken due to the loneliness when I was supposedly in love.

You had your darkest hours while I was left at home not contributing. You probably resorted to your friends but you never tried approaching me. All that to make sure I never worry you and your problems? But you didn't realize the way you disappear cast worries on me. I didn't have clue on what you are up to. I didn't know any of your friends. To a point you distanced yourself and blocked me from reaching you. To that, I was disheartened.

I realize you were not the 'one' anymore and I wanted to be freed to possibly meet other people. At the same time I could not collect myself to tell you what I want, I did not know how to speak to you. You were my world but you were barely my life. Again I was not ready for commitment? The love's fading due to unclear communication. I did not have the courage to tell you my thoughts until XB came into my life in the mid of the relationship.

Besides the reasons earlier, XB was largely the reason we got out of hands. I was not a two timer and there were needs to clear the mess. To remain as what it was, or to choose XB and start all over? Finally I came to decision when Hindraf struck their protest in KL, me and KC talked each other out in KFC while others were trapped in traffic congestion. As agreed, our relationship ended exactly 2 months from when it first started.

I don't love you anymore.
We are not compatible.
No use carrying on as we are not getting anywhere.

Sadly it was time I took off from the mis-managed relationship as I need holidays for myself. After all, both of us were heartbroken beyond belief. Nevertheless, it was another start of my life. That cleared the path for XB in my life later. Despite the fact I left KC, I am a selfish guy who did not want to be trapped in the not-going-anywhere love. When he was at his lowest I stabbed him and left him died in bleed. My deepest apologies. I still owe you sorries.

Someone once said that the only two things that motivate an enlightened person are love and curiosity. While flash love is known curiosity motivated, love is not at all related to curiosity. Utterly ridiculous if both words were forced connected, I would say.

A bastard I am, I always see myself all righteous and other people are the reasons for everything that faults.

The only regret for the 2 months is 'forever'.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot