Why do I choose to stay?

People make mistakes. I agree.

No one is perfect. Neither do I.

What I do is simply thinking of every good thing you have done for me. You have done a mistake but that is not going to discredit yourself. Not yet. The conscious recurring of similar, is.

I am not as forgiving as you thought. I expect changes in you. And I appreciate if you show appreciation in the relationship.

Do not be ashamed. Do not feel guilty. I never ask you to be perfect anyway haha.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Your birthday...

...is important.

Dear Kizzai,

I could not plan much earlier 'coz I did not know your plan on your birth day.

Celebrate with family. That's your plan and nothing was definite till that day. This was what you said. Not knowing when you were free, where you would be, what time would you finish celebrating with family, yet you were not happy 'coz I had no plan. Stunned...

Anyway I am grateful you spare half a day for us. It took me only an hour to plan, thanks to my helpful colleagues.

Me : Can you suggest me a fine dining place?

DC : A lot. Do you want the ambiance or the food?

Me : His taste bud isn't great. Any food is good for him. Ambiance is more memorable.

DC : Marini is good. Marble is good. Lafit is good.

VT : What is your budget?

Me : No budget. Give me a place and I will call for reservation.

After discussion, we've settled on Grand Hyatt's Thirty8 at 8.30 p.m.. Then I rushed to the nearest salon for my hair cut. Finally, movie reservation.

Happy birthday dear.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Third month

Dear Kizzai

I am never the perfect lover in the world.

I love garlic and onion.
I love durian.
I am still close to my ex.
I am not good in explaining.
I fall asleep very quickly.
I start to snore.
I bite fingernails.
I complain a lot on bad food.
I hate medicine.
I am always busy and tired.

To accept is not the same as to tolerate.

Though you have not accepted my flaws entirely, I must be grateful you are tolerating me.

Before I forget, it's best to write this down. We had a night of rough ride in Genting, thanks to the complimentary night stay. Then we celebrated Independence Day in Sunway GSC. Not a fancy celebration with you but I enjoy spending time with you.

Thank you dear. Happy 3 months.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Throwback Genting

我有什么优点?

You have asked me the same question from time to time.

Your attention. You pay attention pf my actions and behaviour. So detailed I can hardly believe it.

Really? I did that? Sorry I don't realise.

Your time. Despite our tight schedules, you make arrangement to ensure we have enough time together.

Thank you.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Birthday

It is obvious we do not have an entire day to celebrate your birthday. Our tight schedules do not allow us to do so.

Let's celebrate your birthday in Seremban.
That is a place you want to go. Not me.

Guilt.

Disappointment.

The 2 closest people to me do not support me as much as my friends and colleagues.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Second month

My shift is at 5 a.m. and I am gonna post a quick update before I get my much needed sleep. At this rate, my writing is out of touch. Pictures are quickly replacing words.

In summary, we have been together for 2 months. 30% of the time were misfortune. We have to work out a lot on trust issue. He suspects that I am plotting some schemes to make him fat. You see, to be in love is to get fat together. Hey, I am gaining weight too.

Dear Kizzai,

Have faith in me.

White rose as symbolises purity. Then the sacred ritual.

Mikey's New York Pizza before love movie Me Before You.

The Shack in Bandar Putri, Puchong. Free refillable rice and drinks.

Bugalgi and Salsal in Kyochon, Sunway. Baked cheese rice in Wong Kok.

 Tea time in Whup Whup, PJ. Salted egg yolk waffle as night dessert in Inside Scoop.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Another food trip

It was my ex-colleague's wedding on Labour Day. We didn't have to teach so we attended the wedding together in Alor Gajah and travel further down for food. This was our first trip, unofficially.

Shan Shu Gong.

Famosa Chicken Rice.

Nadeje.

One of the wall arts.

Portuguese Settlement.

We have decided Genting on 520 as our first trip.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Work out

I've gained weight since I stopped gym in 2014. It was 2012 when I last saw myself in a swim trunks. Just recently, I ordered 2 pairs of trunks for my Kuching and Redang trip. God knows if I need to swim in those places.

Ordered from Totomomo.

When I tried the trunks... OMG I look horrendous. Baby elephant in thongs. That is how I look like in the trunks. Determined to run every day to slim down and fit into them.

Run in office gym.

The problem is, food always wins. Dilemma...

Fong Lye, The Gardens.

Starbucks in office and Sushi Tei, Setiawalk.

MISS Coffee & Toast, Puchong.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

First month

We have various differences yet we choose to stay. As positive as HIV, I choose to believe. Believe that our feelings are mutual. Believe that we are committed in this relationship. Believe your promises. Believe your beliefs.

Time slips through our fingers like grains of sand. A month has passed. I have never shed tears in any early stage of relationship. You made me tear up a lot in one month, you know?

Despite knowing for 10 years, we don't know much about each other. Nevertheless, I hold on. For once in my life, I google up "gay marriage in New Zealand", and that is because of you.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

The night

After a long and tiring 9 hours at work, the clock finally strikes 7! Yay! We had bad night yesterday so I gonna make up for what we had tonight. The two of us have dinner and desserts together... chat for hours... Quality time, together.

Nah... the night turns to a drinking session with your friends.

No proper plan. We do not set the right expectation for the night. In the end, we speak less than 10 sentences.

The desserts turn to breakfast the next morning. Disappointing but that doesn't change my love.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 21

12th December - 10:09 a.m. (PST)

/rustle sound

I take out all the notes from my back pocket. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. CAD 1400.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Those are the 50 dollars notes.

I really don't mind getting a Mac. It looks cool and elegant but many say I am not the high end brand user. I simply do not fit to be one. On the other hand, one asks me to return in summer. True, with the leftover dollars I can afford another visit.

Summer is much better. You can stay at my place.

Sounds sweet, isn't it? Hearing that leaves me skeptical impression on his sincerity. I know it's unfair to judge. But we're not as close yet. And what if shit happens again? I am really, really afraid to say yes.  No escape from the storm inside of me.

Time to leave for Robson Square. Gonna go for a day date with a distanced colleague!

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Trust

Dear Kizzai,

You may had bad experience in the past about trust. I have never questioned you about your past, for the past is already history. 

If you haven't known, I invest 100% of my trust in you. 100% confidence in this relationship. So give me some credit.

I'm crazy when I am in love.

Thank you for the movies. Thank you for the meals. Thank you for Genting.

[Jino] - Opposite attracts but it is common that unites

#1state1month2016 - Melaka - February

Given the short notice, I am grateful that my friend is willing to tag along to Melaka. Again the trip is about food in Jonker Street. Nothing amazing. Nothing new. Just the same old food I have every year.

February was the month people constantly reminded me on my failed relationship, ruined friendship, abandoned brotherhood. I chose this song to represent my feeling in February.

 [Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

A bad night

Dear Kizzai,

Most of the time, all I need is someone to say,

"Hey Jino. You did well. Those shit will not matter."

Every one sees me enjoying my food and movie. Presumably I am ok and well. Quite the contrary in reality. No one ever asks if I am. Many times, not the even closest one asks (or bothered to ask).

You've had a long day in Thailand.

You feel tired.

Can't blame you, can I?

While I tried hard not to ruin your trip with my emotions, your words worsened my day instead. The cold treatment that followed - kills.

I didn't manage to complete the movie. I went to a place with better connection, hoping you would reply. My cheeks were wet. 

What have I gotten myself into?

"Hey dear. How's your day today?"

"Hang in there. I'll be back in a snap."

"Nice to know you have friends while I am not around."

I don't need much from you. Words and actions are enough. If you wanna say "ENJOY", say it from your heart. Please.

I do random things in unexpected times. I would have gone for a trip the next day without planning. You might notice I check in in cinemas and cafes and restaurants. Never assume I have fun all the time. Please forgive the way I lead my life. Pardon my selfishness for the misbehave last night. Positively, only through thick and thin, through conversation and food can we grow closer.

Thank you dear.

Love,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 20

11th December - 11:00 p.m. (PST)

This fucking Blenz tastes like shit.

I don't know why. Tim Horton is way better !@#$%^&*()

Says the homeless in Davie Street who walks pass me. But I have to say Tim sucks big time.

In relative to the sauna's I've been, this one in Davie's street gives me the poorest experience. F212's the name.

The crowd is awfully small even at 9 p.m.. The only "acceptable' one is a Chinese (typical military Chinese look - don't ask me to guess his age). He declines me. That's perfectly fine. He has preference. An hour later I find him in the shower room getting fucked by an obese man whose belly triples mine. His dick's probably only a quarter of mine. It's truly disappointing. I lose to a fat man and my heart breaks into pieces.

As bitch as I am, I decline all offers. Honestly, I rather waste my cum on the floor.

Yup. I return to the hostel with my balls in pain from overloading. Exhausted, wasted.

I miss Bangkok. I miss Babylon.

The Philly, American Cheesesteak. 

Spoil of war - unused.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 19

11th December - 12:00 p.m. (PST)

Really glad I choose to come today. The sky is bright, I can feel the sun gently grazes my skin. And this place is magnificent! The snow isn't think for snowshoeing but the view is enough incentive.

A bit too much of selfie here.

The first thing I do when I reach the summit is to dive into the snow.

Hey, my first time ok? I can't hold the snow more than 10 seconds. That's when I realise the snow is really cold. Sadly, I can't build an Olaf >.<.

So I manage to do this at least as compensation for not making an Olaf.

My brunch on the summit. Still cheaper than the local McD.

Your images constantly flash. Just by thinking of you pains my heart over and over. I'm trying really hard, let me tell you.

Conceal... Don't feel. Don't let them in, don't let them see... Let it go!

11th December - 9:38 a.m. (PST)

To the left, Mr. Lim.

To the left you see the ocean and mountains.

Here you see rocks and cliffs.

I obediently followed.

Frederick is the driver to the Squamish and I am among a group of 10 TV crews from Brazil.

He's right. In Malaysia the highways are built in the middle of plantation and mountains. I'm bouncing off the walls from excitement. Clean highway. Fresh air. The sun blazing through the clouds.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot