Friday, April 17, 2009

Cold lame jokes

Haha I woke up so early this morning, I wasn't motivated enough to start my studies. Due to some reason and created opportunity, which I am so lazy to explain here, I met Austin near his house. We chatted for few hours before I departed home for my lunch and studies and etc etc...

Not too long before I laid my ass on the chair, again I grabbed my brushes, worked on some ideas I had in mind. I guess I got addicted into painting. But I dropped them off 'coz I really need to study.

Holding Neurogenetics for 1 hour, itchy hands started clicking on google, searching for some excitement in the afternoon. Haha these may seem old and lame, but I laughed 'coz first time hearing...

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One night, as I was studying, Brian was in msn and I asked him to entertain me 'coz I was too bored. After awhile he asked me questions:

Brian: 2 guys were sitting by the jetty. Unfortunately 1 of them fell into the sea. If the 1 fell into the sea died and he is called dead body, then the other guy call?
Jino: Live body? I don't know.
Brian: No, he calls Jiu Ming.
Jino: How come?
Brian: Jiu Ming!!! Jiu Ming!!! HELP!!!

Then I asked the same question at Edwin, but he heard the joke before so he knew the answer. Instead, Edwin asked me another silly question, which then I forwarded to Brian for revenge.

Jino: An aeroplane passes through the cloud, so later it will come out of the cloud. But what if the aeroplane goes down into the sea, where will it come out from?
Brian: *Err... Eh... Hmm...* Open la.
Jino: In newspaper headline lor.

Haha don't know if he got it or not. He asked me the last question of the night.

Brian: A cat, a goat and a pig. They smuggle drugs, lets say heroin into Japan. Unfortunately they were caught by the custom. In your opinion, on who will the custom find the heroin?
Jino: *Err... Eh... Hmm...* Must be goat la.
Brian: Why leh?
Jino: The goat always 'Meeeeeeee'.
Brian: No la. Salah. Try again.
Jino: How come wrong? Open la.
Brian: Answer is pig.
Jino: How come?
Brian: Zhu Chang Fen - 猪肠粉 (same sound like pig keep powder).
Jino: *swt swt swt*

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Dildo 1 - Voodoo dildo
The company tells him that he will have to take a long business trip to Japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He still loves her but every time she does it, it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done lesser and lesser. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.

On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesn't really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.

"You're looking for something special?"
"Yes, I need something to keep my wife busy while I'm away so she won't cheat."

The owner looks at him hard and then reaches under the counter to pull out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.

"What's so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo dildo, door."

To the mans surprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.

"Voodoo dildo, box."

The dildo stops and drops back into its box.

"That's amazing. I'll take it."

After paying he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning, after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.

After a week she feels the need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.

"Voodoo dildo, my pussy."

The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out. An hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual ecstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm number eleven she can't think straight. She tries to pull it but it doesn't work. So she decides that she will have to go to hospital and have it removed.

In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer sees this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.

"Have you been drinking?"
"No" the now distraught woman replies. "A voodoo dildo is shagging me and I can't get it to stop and I'm on my way to hospital to have it removed."
"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse."


Dildo 2
One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"
The guy says "30 bucks"
"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.
Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"
So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"
The man responds "30 bucks"
She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blond walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"
The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plain one?"
The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"
The blond agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"
The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermos flask for $250!"

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Gay 1 - Birthday present
Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass... See if you can feel anything." So his boyfriend put his finger in his ass and feels around. "I don't feel anything," the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper... I'm sure I feel something."

So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really," the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend put his whole arm in the guy's ass and is feeling around when he touches something.

"Hey, I found something," says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy. The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and sees it is a Rolex. The guy starts singing, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..." =.="'


Gay 2 - Gay problems
Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems. One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change. The doctor put a curse on each of them that if any of them indulge in their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic died because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying on the ground and stops to stare at it.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked"


Gay 3 - A couple of shots
There was this man who walked into a bar and ordered 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."


Gay 4 - Construction worker
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!" The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


Gay 5 - Gay parrot
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."


Gay 6
Peter invites his Mum for tea.
She notices his flat mate Joe is very handsome, slightly camp and although she suspected Peter's gay he denies that anything is going on, and says that they are only flat mates.

A week later Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your Mum came to tea, I can't find the frying pan". Peter emails his Mum and says, "Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you DID take the frying pan, and I'm not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but it's been missing ever since u came for tea. Love Peter".

His Mum replies, "Dear son, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe and I'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the fucking frying pan by now. Love Mum".

Moral of the story... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Gay 7 - Out of the closet
Yeah, I tried hinting to my parents. We were sat at the dinner table and I said to my mum, "Could you pass the gravy to a Homosexual?" She passed it to my dad!!!

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Then I went to fetch Edwin from Puduraya lol... Have a nice day




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot