Thursday, April 16, 2009

Fugly

How should I put these in words? I need time to rearrange my mind so that it's easier to read. Not meant for anyone to understand, but is for my own understanding. From here on please use your own imagination. OK let's go.

23 years ago, I stayed in my mum's womb for 9 months, and practically came into this living world 22 years ago. After that, for 12 years people liked to cubit my cheek and my pet pet 'coz they're just too smooth and juicy. But I started feeling bad after the 12 years of cuteness and innocence.

After my primary school hood, acne and pimples broke out in tremendous amount all over my face. Cheek, chin, neck, forehead, even eyebrow, you name it, there will be acne and pimples. You might think... Ceh you were 12 ma. That's normal for teenagers to have outbreaks here n there often and always. Until 18 also you will still have acne pimples. Dirt and sweat in scouts, improper eating diet, hormone imbalance, puberty, toxic etc etc. Smooth skin is for girls, get over it. Normal normal... My mum kept telling me the same thing and said it will be fine after certain period. With her reasoning I made through my life up to now, 22 years old.

Can I use back the same old lame excuses for my outbreaks now? Dirty, sweat, diet imbalance, hormone imbalance, puberty, tension? 22 years old I am now leh. My situation now is worse than 10 years ago, let me tell you. Is it genetics? Cannot be, none of my family or uncles aunties have this problem. What's my problem? I don't even dare to look at mirror, afraid that my mum beats me up if the mirror breaks.

Imagine this. You take a nap in the afternoon, and the moment you wake up, there're 4 headless pimples/ acne/ whatever grow on your face. Hopefully they will go away, but dream is dream. The next day they turn black, become headless pussy puss. If you touch them you feel the pain. You can also feel them berdenyut-denyut inside alive. After 2-3 days, they become bigger, growing into bigger clusters and formed a big black patch on your face. Not just one patch but all over your face. And after few days again the cycle repeats. Before you get the old patches gone, the new one butt in, your face now inflamed reddish and blackish all over.

Sorry if anyone get disgusted, but this is my condition right now. Quite bad right?

So what if I have acne/ pimples, you ask? Face is not important? Image is secondary to heart? No one judge a book by it's cover? All these, I know are some of the words used to comfort me. But nonetheless they're quite hypocrite for saying these.

If there's something I care bout, it will be my face. I may act very sohai, talk like jibai, mingle with lanjiao kias, dance like sotong, tak malu, pig. In fact I never have a reputation to start with. I don't care how people judge me by the way I act 'coz those are only my actions, which can be changeable and flexible. I act them out, that's not I behave normally. But there's something that I can't hide or cover but to let everyone feel disgusted. It's my face I hate the most, as I am a fucking ugly Jino - fugly Jino.

I remember very well in Form 2 training Gary Yoong said this - Heng Chiang now I want you to look at Jino's face and count how many pimples are there on his face (laughing). I got away coolly, acted as if it's some kind of joke but deeply in my heart I felt needles poking. It's a humiliation he brought but he thinks that's funny. He slashed off my pride and took away my very last confidence I had.

Can I call this painful experience? I remember very well who else made fun of my look but expressing my anger makes me even fuglier, so I never do so. One of the ways I always do to reduce the counts of people see my face is to avoid eye contact. Weird, huh? Looking away so that they can't see me directly, then I am less fugly. If you see me sideways, I am only 50% fugly. If we make eye contact face to face and that's 100% fugly. Make sense? Haha at least I thought it was.

I tried few ways to improve my condition, from controlling my sleeping habit to trying facial products to eating habit, but my problem keeps "improving". Recently I thought of seeking dermatologist for help. If patients fail to heal themselves, they need to see a doctor some how. The person who has always rejected chemicals even at the verge of sickness now is taking chemicals into his mouth for the sake of beauty. I was planning to use my PTPTN money for this. It might not give satisfactory result, side effects and expensive but I would like to have a try. At least it's a try and fail rather than fail to try. If this method fails, then I am determined to admit that I am born a fugly. But who knows? Maybe I can be cured?

When the issue raised to 2 people, Edwin and my mum, we ended up into arguments. He does not allow me to seek dermatologist but I don't see the reason for his over reactions. He has the smooth baby cheek that I so envied, does he not understand the feeling of me being a fugly to go around scaring people? That's why I was so depressed and sad few days ago. 'Coz I thought he understands how I felt but he is just like other people - made my feeling 2 times down.

My mum is the "best". She agreed and allowed me to spend my PTPTN for dermatologist charges. The problem is my PTPTN money is kept in a saving account under me and my mum's name. So few days later, when I asked for the bank book to withdraw money, she advised me to wait longer see if my face improve or not. I told her I have waited long enough, I have waited 10 years! After few more conversation, she got heated up, shouted 我讲不要就不要啦。你听不明阿!!! literally means I SAY DON'T WANT MEANS DON'T WANT LA. DON'T UNDERSTAND AR!!! In the end, it's the money she concerns. Of 'coz, economy is not good, don't simply spend money, jimat la... But she just doesn't understand how desperate I am now. So now I can't assume my plan, 'coz I was not allowed to. You see how adults are so wicked? Cheating me like that and as if she's all correct. Hei!!! PTPTN is my money in the first place!!!

Why am I so desperate to become lengzai? Sorry you got the wrong idea. I am not desperate to be lengzai, but to become normal. I just want to get rid of my acne and pimples, not to become some super models or artists. Imagine you with this kind of problem and you want to kiss your mates. Yeer you so fugly, go away, keep skin la, break up. I don't have this situation yet, but let's just imagine. This is the humiliation even worse than stripping naked in front of many girls. Haha I am quite proud of my lanjiao and will impress them definitely lol but my face is just a turn off. You have to face your mates for the rest of your life, how can you afford to disgust them all the time with your fugly face? I am just too fugly, sometimes I wish I don't need to go out of this house and scare people.

First impression is too important whether you or me like it or not. I don't judge people based on personal image but I care bout how people think of me. I tend to be very attractive to some extend - my face is the worst and most terrible in classes, in scouts, in working places, everywhere. You want to learn an easy way to recognise Jino? Let's hear this out:

A: Hey pinjam scissors.
B: I don't have. Pinjam from Jino la.
A: Who is Jino?
B: Neh the most fugly one or The most acne and pimples one...

Easy to remember me right? Unless hiding, I simply stand out in the crowd. Look is not important? Nah... for me it's too important. It's a symbol of my confidence and courage.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot