Sunday, May 31, 2009

Commemoration of the beginning

The time heads in an unfamiliar direction...

Sitting on my balcony, sipping on my favourite warm sky juice.

Just finished my breakfast and a little couching, and thought of the previous day's events. It was exciting and loads of fun, to say the least.

It was Fiona and her #200 that triggered me to this post I am now writing. It was then I started calculating, coincidentally this is my 100th. Seriously this is really a coincidence.

Unlike Fiona, the idea to write for 100th entry comes last minutely, thus no special idea to commemorate or whatsoever it may do. But there's one purpose of me writing these; it's to commemorate my inspiration of blogging ever since I started to.

At first I started blogging 'coz of... the intention of releasing my anger and depression badly but couldn't find a right way to deliver. Initially I started my blog in Friendster, and then transferred to Livejournal and then here. I've imported the older entries into archive too.

April 13th 2006 was my first post entitled 'When money play its trick' and 'I don't know what is this'. Both were written under extreme depression that I wanted to tell out so badly but could not. Knowing me a person who keeps everything to himself, I don't like to share my unhappiness. I hardly intend to ask for sympathy, avoid looking like one, if you ask why.

If there's anyone influenced me, or introduced the word 'blogging', it has to be Ben or Denise during U6BF, either they realize or not. 'Coz they are both good writers and bloggers. Under certain impression, for me blogging means writing online diary. Diary means discrete records. Solve the maths equation... 'A blog is an online-written detail entries that remain private and have limited circulation among friends and family'; that's the concept I had in mind.

After my 2nd post (which I bad-mouthed the school administration), classmates came to me offering comfort and close talks. I was surprised my posts were widely published in Friendster, not to mention now everyone can read as they please. How blur...

Oops, slightly off track. Yes, back to the blog. Now I've explained how everything began with single-minded intention of 'online diary' it has transformed to any ordinary blogs found outside; to house my life, my thoughts, emotions, to seek solace, etc. I have to say my purpose of blogging has not changed after so many years. Instead it has become a tool to polish my writing skill? Hope it all goes well. Long after, I considered blogging as part of my life, regardless privacy or not. I remembered when I made my 3rd post, I was excited. 'Coz it will be published. At some rate my hands were trembling, thinking of what I should put in my profile and what I would share. Now that everyone can read mine, would it be boring? Would readers find this retarded? But still, I wrote out the longest and probably the most boring entry in my history entitled 'I Not Stupid' inspired by Jack Neo's 小孩不笨. Carefully I watched my grammar the best I could, to look like a good writer, not a retarded at the very least.

At certain level I couldn't escape constant disappearance from blogging, till when my 1st relationship withered I was more determined to put in effort into blogging. Now instead of disappearing, I found myself overindulging. I put in every single crap I could think of into here, be it one-liner thingy, or a hyper-long entry or lyrics of the songs one sings in the bathroom.

Constantly I could feel the building writer's block. Sometimes I have ideas running in my head, but I'm having difficulties putting them into readable words. I even delete them in my mind before typing them down. Perhaps my life's not as adventurous and exciting to blog about? From certain authors' point of view, they feel at least the same pressure as novel writers to produce a quality, readable and full-of-impact entry for their readers. I guess it's a personal assurance of excellence? Have you ever come across the situation where you just stare at the blank screen and wonder what's the next letter to type? Or you delete everything you wrote as draft beforehand, rejecting the entire content? This is the virtual version of writer's block. I always do. As much as I hate myself being cynical, I have plenty to share so far, but cannot decide which comes first and sometimes I cannot escape tight schedules. Blog is like vege; too long in the fridge and they turn yellowish. Let's see how it all unfolds.

I believe blogging is a good way to express ourselves. Sometimes people can read us the way we write rather the way we speak. Verbal and non-verbal communications are not the really me? Yes, so to speak. Don't look down on the power of words. I once thought, if I less update my blog, let's say once a month, eliminate crappy entries and post only meaningful posts, I would impress many people. People would think I am cool, mature, elegant and philosophical. But the feedback was - fool. One says "write to express, not to impress". Soon I started seeing my foolishness. Whether you write as part of profession or as a hobby, there may come a time when your writing feels flat and lifeless. I learn the proper way to channel my content into words, slowly. It's time to lower own expectation, to fit the 'excellent' level of my writing skills. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, low level of ego to impress still persist.

In some corner of my heart I started thinking differently. Some bloggers meet 'coz they share common interests. They even have their own community, be it local or overseas, to hang out together as groups of bloggers. Blogging is also a way to extend our coverage and network, to know more friends. I so wish I could join them, but have to hold the mindset desperately for certain personal principle. Oh, I am contradicting myself, but I cannot elaborate more about this. I've also developed the hobby of reading other blogs; their daily lives, their updates etc, even though they might not/ never know me. For people to read your posts first you must visit their blog. And that's what I am doing in my holidays. I may not be visible or leaving comment all the time, but rest assured I will always remember to read every single updates in my blog lists, to read those who visited my blog.

As Kurotsuchi Mayuri loathes perfection, I wasn't spared being imperfect myself. I made my mistakes along the way of course. No one is able to live in pure bliss. Life is always unfair, up and down, realistic and cruel. Not even me who seems carefree stays the same. Never in this stereotyping community can a human live in his ideal expectation. The important thing is remember the lessons and work on it. Throughout the years, the blog grows with me. And it's very amazing we are still pressing on.

This blog changed my life, literally, directly and indirectly. Big time, indeed. Throughout the 3 years and 48 days of blogging, I have my fair share of bad and good events.

Thus, my 100th post of 'Debris of my mind, scattered everywhere' comes to an end, and it's a tedious one.

Hopefully I do not put anyone into boredom with my own syok sendiri thoughts and so. I was not born a good writer or reader but I do hope that from the blog, I've provided readers with brief impression of who Jino is. I had so much fun writing this post, relaxed, allowing ideas and creativity to flow freely. Think of it as a play date for my brain.

To think out of the box, how many actually reads my blog? You know, I know and the whole world knows.

But hey! What should I write next for my 4th year of Blogiversary?




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot