Close the curtain of 2015

Let's take a break from Project 55.5.

One day you'll leave this world behind

So live a life you will remember.

Go venture far beyond these shores

Don't forsake this life of yours.

It's amazing how a song which did not mean anything originally, has now been hummed continuously. And then from whisper I begin to sing aloud. Alone. With confidence. 'Coz his favourite song has now become mine too.

The feeling starts with pure admiration. He's the person I wanna become in my life. He meets my definition of success. The difference, is that he does not give me hope. I am not saying that you give me hope to begin with. He indirectly made me aware that my feeling should never rise above admiration. You see... I don't want to hurt myself again.

Dear FY,

Now that situation turns sour, honest be told... how should I face you? We have changed. My mind is decaying from my own solitude emotions.

I have lost bii. 

I have lost MS. 

Now I lose you too.

Forgotten? Prioritisation? I begin to know my place. Never in my life have I felt this lost. Obsession led me to think all the time. About you. When I woke up in the morning, when I went to sleep at night. And that went on for seven years.

I didn't like 2015. Hopefully the song will change the way I live. 

The video wraps my 2015:
1) Bii's visit
2) Chinese New Year with my mum
3) Melaka trip to satisfy my lust for food
4) My attempt to make churros
5) Bangkok trip to satisfy my lust for...
6) First house purchase
7) Birthday celebration in Starbucks Genting
8) Kampar and Ipoh trip to satisfy my lust for food...
9) Vancouver trip to meet you
10) Christmas gatherings

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year guys.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 7

6th December - 5:00 p.m. (PST)

Do you remember expansion and contraction with temperature? I think this is how my body works. Trying not to be a narcissist, but I notice my pants are dropping lower with passing of time. Between the 6 hours of walk in Stanley Park, I check my tummy for about 6 times to make sure every thing is ok.

They are not afraid of us. Not really.

Downtown view from Stanley Park. The sky is really gloomy.

 The totem poles in Stanley Park. I know. My photography skill sucks big time.

Siwash Rock. Too big not to notice.

Another not too impressive selfie. But I really have fun running up to this peak from a wrong trail. Lions Gate Bridge which connects downtown to North Vancouver.

The raining clouds are blocking the mountain in North Vancouver. On the right is the sea.

On the left you get to see cliffs like this.

Christmas Tree in Lost Lagoon. The picture is edited, obviously.

My legs loan too much of my energy today. While regaining my strength at the Starbucks, my inner self debates.

Should I?

Should I not?

F212 is just a few blocks away.

Maybe next time. It's a tiring day.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 6

6th December - 11:00 a.m. (PST)

The rain yesterday was crazy! Said the old lady who has breakfast with me.

Mediterranean Omelette with additional bacons, Red Umbrella Cafe. 

The left boy is cute.

The itinerary says to take bus 19 to Stanley Park but I say to walk instead. After a day of walking yesterday I find it less stress to walk. Also I get to pay for the sinful breakfast I have. Good try.

View from the opposite wall. Fairly near to Stanley Park.

Dear FY,

I really want to walk with you.

6th December - 9:40 a.m. (PST)

The comfortable bed turns unpleasant this morning. Yea it's so comfortable.

Damn. 8 in the morning.

Late for 2 hours.

I race down the street without knowledge on how to get the right bus. Where does the bus come from? How far does the bus go? Good thing about Vancouver is all information is available on websites. But there is still tiny bit of me worrying.

On a bright side, the weather is great for morning walk. I'm without raining gear. No rain. No wind. The clouds are not moving while the sun is shy behind them.

From my hostel I walk pass the gay friendly Davie Street to English Bay. Hey! F212 is right here!

Cross and thou shalt be gay.

The beginning of English Bay. Stop complaining and start walking.

Here I am writing by the English Bay. It's a long walk along the sea wall but the walk is satisfying. People cycle and jog. People read on the benches. None of them is seen with gadgets in their hands. Dogs run freely. Ducks are mating. Eagles are feasting on the seagulls. Trees are without leaf. No rubbish. I probably know nothing about nature, but I am definitely closer to it.

Inukshuk at the English Bay sea wall.

Just another Starbucks on the street.

Laughing statues in English Bay.

Heck! The moment I stop writing, the rain has started!




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 5

5th December - 11:45 p.m. (PST)

I can't sleep.

Sleeping with clothes is proven difficult, no matter how thin the fabric is. I don't belong here. I need privacy.

/cluck

The Romanian enters after his shower. He is presumably tired, from the way he walks and yawns. He takes off his top. Slowly, his long trousers. In less than a metre from me, he takes off his boxers brief, revealing a thick limp jewel unprotected by skin. It will be sorry if I don't do something with the apple already in my hand before he climbs to his bed.

Not 18SX, yet.

Great men think alike. 

My first night, in a cage.

I say goodnight to him, but nothing comes out from my mouth. Quietly, I take off my long johns and call it a day. You see, it's necessary to write this down before I start to forget. Goodnight, Day 1.

5th December - 9:05 p.m. (PST)

Resting in the common room hall while enjoying my beef sausage, I can't stop thinking about the night later. How am I suppose to sleep naked with another 7 strangers?

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 4

5th December - 6:45 p.m. (PST)

Despite the long johns, winter shoes and gloves, I still can't feel my legs. It's so evident I have low resistance against cold. While looking at my schedule, I have walked to several places but honestly they're not too attractive in this weather. And I decide to stop for today. Forgive me. This is my first day and I am too cold to move.

Hence it is essential I fuel myself with wine and fats for heat. Wine is a bad move. I feel so tipsy with just a glass.

It's a habit to visit local HSBC when I travel. Hello from Yaletown.

Engine 374 in Yaletown Roundhouse. A quick escape from the rain. The history of the train can be found here.

BC place without lighting so plain.

Pork tenderloin with Mr. Pauly, Hurricane Grill

Alcohol intolerance. True enough. I am never good with alcohol to begin with. I hate drinking. Better start writing before I faint outdoor.

Holding the apple in my hand, I keep texting friends in KL. Yea the wifi is working perfectly.

But I have not heard from you.

5th December - 2:40 p.m. (PST)

After a long deserved shower, I can finally write on my bed. It's a double decker bed in a 8-dorm room. Oh yes I want to relax at a warm cafe at the airport and have a hot chocolate while writing. I forget to do so when I get excited. The moment I step my foot out of arrival hall, I am attracted to the Canada Line. Yes I forget about sim card too.

Walking outdoor in Vancouver is painful in the beginning. With only a wind breaker, a T-shirt and jeans I can barely walk much. My umbrella is blown away. Nasal hair becomes stalactite and stalagmite. My fingers ache during physical contact. My teeth are chattering vigorously. I can't feel my ears. I puff smoke in every breath I exhale. It feels like the longest walk in my life. Most importantly my dick is rock hard while I trail my way to the hostel. Well, I am following a young group of Romanian to the same hostel. One of them looks like Chinese!

While hiding my body in the warm blanket, I can't stop thinking.

No message from you.

I shall wait.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 3

5th December - 9:40 a.m. (PST)
Good morning, sir.

I open my eyes slowly trying to adjust my eyes to the light in the cabin. She probably smells my breath from my yawn in this close distance.

Egg or congee?

She repeats twice but my hearing fails me. It was my sense of smell that helps me to understand her question.

The sleep isn't bad. Thanks to the in house blanket, my feet aren't as cold. Just stiff. I made several trips to the gents to relax my muscle before I began feasting.

I am doing what men do when they are idle - counting time.

108 minutes to my destination. Can't help to feel excited.

Will I get your message when I arrive?


5th December - 5:28 a.m. (PST)
I hate her. Who is she? She's a lady sitting next to my isle. Why do I hate her? Her instant noodle reminds my stomach to be hungry. It's seducing and I almost order one for myself.

It must be expensive~

I endure. What I have failed is to prepare food in my hand luggage for unexpected event like now. My stomach just have to pay for the mistakes.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 2

5th December - 4:00 p.m. (HKT)

Can't help to notice the ugly sides of human. Who says the PRC Chinese are rude? Hongkies can be equally rude! The passengers behind me have not stopped complaining about the service, food, seat, temperature... Well it is good to provide feedback to enhance customer experience, even better if this is done through the right channel. They speak decent English and seem to be educated on the surface. On the contrary I feel they are shallow and have not learned to appreciate. Part of me sympathise the flight attendant who has to verbally battle of these jerks.

On a different note, where are the male flight attendants? None is spotted thus far. Really disappointing.

It's 12 a.m. in Vancouver - I am trying to grab some sleep to minimise the jet lag. Or so I thought. The meals keep me awake for awhile.

5th December - 1:00 p.m. (HKT)

Little did I know it's winter in Hong Kong too! Without a single cent and with little knowledge about Hong Kong, I wandered around the airport aimlessly. Then only I discover I cannot pass immigration for transit passengers. Seriously, what a waste of time to come early.

It's 20°C and I'm freezing to death. I cannot picture myself in 7°C. Trapped in the transit, penniless, I mount the courage to get a few bucks in exchange of a cup of hot chocolate.

100? 100 dollar? Enough? The girl in exchange desk asks.

Oh you have a problem with 100 dollar?

Feel discriminated with her tone of questioning. Come on, I just need a warm chocolate.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - Part 1

5th December - 10:06 a.m. (MYT)

One of the things I have always failed to do is to record the journey and feelings at the precious moments in life. While I am writing this on my flight to Hong Kong, I am amazed by how the author could make the books bestsellers.

While I was reading 'The Time Keeper', I have many reflections that I can relate to myself.

The author says Consider the word "Time".

Be on time...

One last time...

There's no time...

I always misuse these words.

The flight this morning is scheduled at 10:35 a.m.. MS and I reach about 2 hours earlier. As token of gratitude for sending me to the airport I promise to buy him breakfast. We may work in the same department and he sits opposite of me every day, but we hardly have time for each other. After breaking up with him, he is facing some challenges too. So I thought this is a good time to catch up with him.

The staff, Khamilah at check-in counter asks if I can volunteer to board an earlier flight.

Yes!

MS answers on my behalf. I will reach Hong Kong earlier and taste the air there for a bit longer. That's how MS reasons. I agree. It's good that she asks, even better if she applies rapport building and need discovery before recommending.

Thank you for choosing Cathay.

Have you been to Hong Kong?

An hour transit may seem rush for you?

Would you like to stay in Hong Kong additional hour to have more rest?

Yes I agree to the request and my flight is brought forward to 9:00 a.m.. I have barely 15 minutes to board the flight. Again I am catching my breath to race against time. Feel sorry for MS for the breakfast.

Just a moment when the attendant serves the breakfast that I start counting.

When was my last meal?

I had Zanmai on Thursday, 5 p.m.. Which is 42 hours without food. Amazing, isn't it?

The breakfast is omelette and sausage which is more than that. I haven't had such nicely made egg for a long time. Probably I'm just hungry.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - it's the day

Dear FY,

I intended to leave office at 3 yesterday but only managed to escape 3 hours later. To make things worse I secured myself another disciplinary action right before I stepped out of the office. Really... Truth be told I was very disappointed at myself this time. At times I prefer to remain quiet, start and leave work on time. Get my salary on time. Be a top performer every month. I am not responsible for others mistakes. Why did I get promoted to begin with? Too much of responsibility. Too much of expectation.

You want me to double the revenue? You want me to put in double the effort? Sorry I just can't make it. I don't see my salary doubled. It's simple maths.

I don't care. I am gonna fly far and have fun 12000 km from them. I just can't be bothered.

Really wanted to post a sexier version of photo.

It's the day and time to sign off. Ciaoz~

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 8 days

Dear FY,

While I am away from KL for 205 hours, I hope to finish all these books. Though I have read some of them, it does not hurt to run through the memory again. Thank you for lending me the books, Soul. 

My mum had discovered that I will be flying to Canada. I was expecting the worst, thought I would get a hammer on my head for wasting money again. Surprisingly, no. There is no sign of objection. I assume she does not know where Canada is. She probably thinks Canada is above Thailand. She's bad in geography after all. 

Tomorrow's the last day to do my last minute shopping and grab more CAD. Sigh...

Dear FY,

I tried and I failed. Letting go is proven to be difficult. My mind isn't strong. Plenty of "What if..." are in my mind. I could only grit my teeth and forcefully believe in myself.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 12 days

Dear FY,

Like it or not, I was not myself few weeks ago. I defaulted many tasks at hand for few weeks without realising. Surely it comes with consequences - my first disciplinary action since my first day. I wrote and signed my own File Note yesterday. You are simply important to be able to distract me this much. Surprisingly, I didn't feel sad or demotivated. On the contrary I felt better after talking to myself. I could not possibly blame anyone but myself. It's more difficult to convince my conscience to call off than to revise the objective of the project. 

I have planned itinerary for 6 days. You can join and ruin and the plan any days you like. Your presence is enough incentive. If only...

After all, I am blind when it's about you.

If I knew earlier, I would change the cash later. The exchange rate now ranges between 3.285 to 3.290 today. It's CAD 14 savings if I made the right decision. I am gonna get more cash to sustain the change of plans. Additional CAD 400 would be good, I guess. Thought?

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Project 55.5 - countdown 14 days

Dear FY

I hadn't returned to this place for many years and the place's no longer worth mentioning. The cafe left me good impression when you were around. Now it's a good memory ruined. I couldn't find the rice I had in the menu.

Dear FY,

Time is slipping through fingers like grains of sand. There are much more to prepare and I can't beat the anxiety at the same time. Am I ready? For a week I had been planning and visiting websites to know more about Canada. Is my itinerary overly congested? The "simulation" keeps running in my mind.

This would be the furthest, the longest, the most costly, the coldest and the loneliest among the excursions by far. It's impossible to be calm when every thing is uncertain.

Let's pray that my credit cards work there.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Managing At Our Best

We are committed to creating a culture where we all perform at our best. Personally, the 2 days training inspires me a lot to what I really want to do on my daily role and how my presence affects other colleagues. It closely resembles self realisation session to reflect on our aspirations and how much we believe in others when they are at their best.

The first step to a change always begin with self.

One of the tools introduced is 5-whys - it helps to explore deeper to identify the cause of our best environment. It has given me insight of who I can be when I am ok (at my best) and how I can potentially motivate my direct reports to bring out their best qualities.

When we focus on the outcome we tend to risk becoming frustrated and demotivated, which is termed In The Box behavior. Before we are drifted away by these emotions, it would be good to get out of the box quickly. Hence we were introduced the tool Emotion - Truth - Choice (E-T-C). It develops the ability to become more aware of our internal thinking that places us in the box. I think I am good in this 'coz I talk and debate with myself whenever conflicts arise. The choice is clearer when we accept truth about the shitty situation - life is not going to end if shit happens. It appears I am correct.

I shared partial of the Project 55.5 in the training, on how things turned sour to my depression. Then how nasty I was to my colleagues when I couldn't take it. Well, somehow I convinced myself to look at the Project 55.5 at a brighter side. The situation gradually improved, slightly at a time. My heart isn't aching as much. The itinerary is now at day 3. There I stand in the room half-crying, half laughing. I am still a human after all.

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Sexcape to Bangkok

Very few positive things happen,but much misfortune befalls. Failure followed by miserable. Regret comes after mistakes. One says not to waste time looking back. Humans are not meant to travel backwards. That's easier said than done. This is life and I have always believed life's unfair.

Here is my 4th trip to Bangkok. Honest be told I had more fun than the rest of the trips.

26 more days.

It requires courage and strength I lack. I want to sleep but my brain won't stop talking to itself. Using lies to shroud my conscience makes me feel more rejected. A man can be destroyed but not defeated. Obviously it has proven to be difficult.

Have I grown so hideous that he starts to look at me differently? Every night I tremble in fear thinking what it is like in Canada. Will I survive in a foreign land 12000 km away from my homeland? Well, that's one way to look at the situation. Evidently, we have changed and it is me to accept the changes.




Sorry,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Holidays end too quickly (Part 3)

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

Dear FY,

Many years ago I masturbated only once or twice a month. Don't get me wrong. I have the needs all the time but I would rather save the seeds for him. We were in a long distanced relationship, you see. The monogamous relationship existed in my thought for many years. With that in mind, I was quite a loyal one. After that incident, my sex life had changed. The numbers of masturbation increased to daily, or more if I may admit.

Friends are surprised at the frequency I am currently having and said this is too much for my body. They agree that the frequent masturbation hasten aging. Nah, I didn't ask which journal they read that could support their claim. However I leave them in awe haha.

Too much info, I guess. But I think you deserve to know.

23rd October - Inside Scoop

Well, the afternoon was quiet and our conversation echoed in the cafe. I am glad I caught up with him again so soon. Thank you.

24th October - Sushi Zento
Oh again? Yes you are right. He had craving for Japanese sushis that week so I brought him here. We spent a night in my room before I sent him back to where he belongs. He's a good companion.

26th October - Back to work

The department organised an event to show gratitude to the colleagues. They called this Appreciation Day. Obviously, no one informed me that this was coming and I came to work, empty handed. Anyway it is thrilling to see so many goodies on my desk. It's a sign that I am appreciated. Even my bosses say so.

Project 55.5 is a failure in the end.




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

The poisonous Apple

Dear FY,

Ever since we had the Apple, the relationships fell apart. People interaction is alienated. The app brought major changes to our lifestyles. When the Apple was misused, we became distanced. We discussed the destructive effects the app had brought us, and decided to sweep it under the carpet, many times. It's even more devastating when we find the trusted partner using the app in secret.

Facebook is just mainstream these days, don't you think? How much time have we spent on browsing Facebook, just to realise we read the same feeds repeatedly? This is the thing that people will do even though they know it's pointless. It's no longer a platform to know friends. It's a space to attract attention.

As much as I hate Apple, I can't help to agree that free messaging is convenient. WhatsApp really saves me plenty of charges. WeChat... is too complicated I don't bother to reply most of the time. Line is here just to look pretty.

People hardly read blogs, let alone writing one. Honest be told, I love writing here. The attention I get is close to 0.

Yours truly,

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Holidays end too quickly (Part 2)

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

Dear FY,

In this holiday I met 3 weird characters who spoke on how they like and love me. We went out separately for quick chat and I thought the first meets should be ice breaker. Well, they had intention to build their future with me which left me in shock. They claimed I was the type of guy they like : well-organised, gentleman and gracious? Here I thought they were desperate for a quickie but heck I was wrong. They persistently text and ring me every day to chat with me. Nothing about sex, surprisingly. I could understand if one of them is weird. but to have 3 of them seemed to be untrue so I rejected all of them. I thought it's best to stay till 30 at my current state.

16th October - Bankara and Sweet Beans

It never goes wrong to meet someone for lunch in the city. After picking up my Visa, we had a quick lunch with him in Avenue K and passed him the souvenir from Ipoh. The day ended with sesame paste and black glutinous rice as desserts without dinner.

19th October - Sushi Zento and Coffea Coffee

Since I was had good experience in the previous visit, I returned to savour the moment. That time I was alone and barely able to finish it.

Ice blended cinnamon chocolate, as the name implies, has the chocolate well blended with the right portion of cinnamon. I can't believe I write this pointless point. Anyway I was here that night to meet an old friend who lives close by. 

21st October - Sang Kaya

Another day wasted, alone. No proper meal for the day so I compensate with these.

22nd October - Blood test and Madam Kwan

You probably do not know. I AM AFRAID OF NEEDLES! After my blood was drawn, I rested 10 minutes or more before I could move again. Oh what test was this? STD and liver function.

Since I was damn hungry for fasting, I thought of Nihon Kai nearby but it wasn't opened yet. Looked for Burger Lab and it wasn't open for lunch. It was disappointing to learn OWL Cafe was closed too! Drove for Rekindled and Standing Theory in PJ, but Waze never seems to be reliable. All these unproductive time spent on the road brings me to Midvalley. Madam Kwan? Alone. Really?

Dear FY,

36 days...

[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot